Heads Will Roll

“Tom, what’s happening? TOM?”

I had my hands over my eyes. I could hear someone screaming in agony.

“Tom?”

What was he doing? Did he forget that he was supposed to tell me when the gruesome scenes were over?

We were watching an episode of The Tudors and he promised to let me know when the gross part was over.

And there were a lot of gross parts in that episode.

Fingernails were pulled off in one scene.

Heads were chopped off in another.

Guts were taken out of a person still alive.

Poop was smeared on the wall by an insane person.

I couldn’t watch the fingernail removal scene. That was the scene that was going on. I could hear the actor yelping in pain.

“Is it almost over, Tom?”

WHY WASN’T HE RESPONDING TO ME? Should I be concerned that he was so engrossed over someone losing their nails? I mean, ew.

“It’s done. That was nothing,” Tom said.

Of course he would say that. He watches war movies were guts and blood are thrown all over the place. I’m still traumatized over watching Saving Private Ryan with him. He didn’t WARN me about the guy laying on the beach with his guts hanging out of his stomach as he shouted for his mother. I still have nightmares over that one.

When it came to the beheading part of The Tudors I covered my eyes again.

“What’s happening?”

“Jesus, just watch. They’re just giving a speech. Oh wait, there they go.”

I could hear the sound of the axe coming down and chopping the head off.

EW.

“Did they show the head?” I wondered.

“Not really, they just showed it in the basket quickly.”

EWW!

“So what happens to Henry’s wife?” Tom asked.

In that episode, Katherine Howard, his fifth wife, is sent to the Tower of London because it’s been discovered that she’s been doing the nasty with another man.

“She dies,” I explained morosely.

Tom is shocked over how many people died in the show. Like he missed out on the entire season three so as he watched this season he was all, “What happened to that dude? Cromwell?”

“He died,” I said.

Or he’ll be all, “What happened to his third wife? The one that gave him the son?”

“She died.”

“Jesus, who DOESN’T die in this show?”

I made the mistake of looking when Katherine sees the head of her lover on a spike. I so did NOT need to see that.

“Oh, that looks so fake,” Tom said. “That’s nothing.”

It was real enough for me.

And plus, they got it wrong. Katherine saw the head of her lover on the London Bridge in real life. Not in the Tower of London.

But still.

Sad either way.

At the end of the show there were two final beheadings.

The chick that went crazy and smeared her poop on the wall was one. But she had it coming. George Boleyn, Anne Boleyn’s brother was married to her and she totally lied and said George and Anne got it on.

So I wasn’t sad to see her go.

I covered my eyes though.

“What’s happening?”

“She’s putting her head on the block.”

The axe came down again. People watching the execution cheered. Mind you, they had no TV then so watching people lose their heads was prime entertainment.

Finally, Katherine Howard came up and gave her speech. She said she was dying as the wife of Culpepper, the man she did the nasty with while married to Henry. This caused the crowd to gasp. Shame on you, wench, they were probably thinking. In real life she probably didn’t really say that. It’s just a legend. Most people thanked the King right before they were beheaded because they were worried if they called him an “asshole fu*ker for having my head removed” they were worried that God, who they believed chose Henry as king in the first place would be pissed and send them to the pits of Hell.

Thankfully they didn’t show Katherine’s head being chopped off. It just ended with her resting her head on the block, now covered with blood from the insane poop lady. (In real life Katherine was beheaded first though.)

“So…who does he marry now?” Tom asked when the show was over.

“Katherine Parr.”

“Don’t tell me. She dies.”

“No, actually. I mean, she came close, Henry had an arrest warrant written for her but then he changed his mind. She outlived him,” I said.

Have I mentioned that I love The Tudors? I’m bummed this is the last season.

One day I’m totally taking a Henry VIII tour in England.

Anyone wanna come?