The Car Was Stuck

It never fails.

As soon as I sit down, someone needs something.

This was the case yesterday. I had just finished with the dishes and laundry and was trying to sneak in a chapter of my book. I grabbed the book. Opened the book. Was about to read the book and....

“AH-U-DA-MAY! AH-U-DA-MAY!”

Ugh.

That was Natalie, shouting for help in Spanish. We don’t speak Spanish but Diego from the television does.

I shut my book and put it away.

“What is it Natalie?”

Her shouting was coming from upstairs.

“AH-U-DA-MAY!”

Natalie rushed downstairs and that’s when I saw it.

A car, stuck in her hair.



“AH-U-DA-MAY!”

Natalie tugged on the car and it didn’t budge.

Great.

What if I had to cut all her hair off? I didn’t want to cut her hair off. I like her hair!

“AH-U-DA-MAY!”

“I know, I know!”



Why did she stick a car on her head? Sometimes I don’t understand her thought process. Like how can she find Yo Gabba Gabba entertaining? What part of her brain thinks, “Hey, the dancing dildo is prime entertainment?”

Even though Natalie was asking for help, she didn’t seem to be afraid.



Eventually I was able to loop the car off. Phew, no haircut.

I sat down and tried to read my book again.

“Hica-hica-hica,” went the cat and five seconds later he proceeded to cough up a hairball.

And so I shut my book. Again.

When Tom Leaves....

Tom came home the other day with a box and a bag full of stuff.

“Did you bring home pie?” I asked hopefully. I had been craving pie.

“No pie. But I did go to the Airman and Family Readiness Center and picked you up a few things. For when I go,” Tom said, setting everything down on the kitchen counter.

My heart squeezed. It does that whenever he mentions leaving. He’ll be in Korea for a year. He leaves in August.





Tom opened the box. “So there’s a bunch of stuff in here, plus two recordable bears so I can leave a message, here’s some DVDs and....are you CRYING?”

Oh. I hadn’t even realized. But as I touched my cheek I realized it was wet.

“I just...” I sniffed. “You’re LEAVING!” It was as if it all hit me right then and there. I mean, I’ve known that Tom would be leaving for many months now. But looking at everything just made it real. Soon Tom would be gone and then only thing we’d have is some recordable bears with his voice.

“It’ll be okay,” Tom said, pulling on his collar. He’s never comfortable when I start to cry. I think a part of him wants to bellow, "There's no crying in Air Force life!"

“What if you don’t come back?” I continued, fiddling with the stationary that was included in the box.

Tom frowned. “Where would I go?”

“Some Korean woman could seduce you with her cooking!”

Tom scratched his arm. “Um. I’ve seen that bizarre foods show, Koreans like to eat bugs and dog. I doubt there will be any seducing going on.”

“What if I die in my sleep?” I continued.

“Have your friend Amanda alert the police if she hasn’t heard from you every five hours,” Tom suggested.

“What is this supposed to be?” I held up a DVD.



“Um. A dinosaur I think?”

I peered closer at it. Oh. Maybe it was a dinosaur. But what kind of name is Mr. Poe?

I lifted up a checklist.



“This creeps me out,” I said, pointing to the one that talked about putting a photo up so it could watch me sleep. “I mean I have pictures of you by my bedside but you know I freak out if I feel someone is watching me sleep.”

This is true. Tom once watched me as I slept because he said I looked adorable. I ended up jumping out of bed screeching, “JESUS what are you DOING?” I just hate the feeling of being watched.

“Will you leave me a sweet message on the bears?” I wondered.

“I think they’re for the kids. But I’ll make a video for you. Maybe even rated R.” Tom wiggled his eyebrows up and down.

Always the perv, even when I’m in tears.

“Everything will be okay,” Tom promised, pulling me close.

“You promise?” I mumbled into his shoulder.

“Definitely. You only have to worry about a Korean seducing me if she cooks Italian food,” Tom joked.

I smacked his arm lightly.

“No, but seriously, everything will be okay. Now cheer up.”

I sniffled. “Only if we can get some pie.”

Tom grinned. “Okay. Pie it is.”

So when Tom is gone and I feel sad I’ll just get some pie.

Or, you know, go shopping.

Inside Natalie's Closet..

It’s no secret that I love going clothes shopping for my children.

So I decided to take pictures of them in various outfits.

I was going to share photos of Natalie in a Gymboree outfit but I’m still upset with them for not sending me a 40% off coupon. So instead I’ll be sharing pictures of Natalie in a Gap outfit.





Here is Natalie, in all her confused glory. She’s all, “I don’t YIKE this right now.” The tutu is from Gap’s Daisy Fields line, the shirt is one of their Junk Food tees, and I bought the hat from eBay. No way could I make something like that. Oh and in her hand is a piece of trash that she refused to drop.



And here is Natalie ignoring me. She does this thing where she walks away and refuses to look at you. Or move. It’s really fun when she does this in public. Then when I pick her up she goes limp.





I got Natalie to come back over and then she kept her eyes closed for the pictures. The little minx.



I started singing a creepy Yo Gabba Gabba song and her eyes flew open. Then she asked me to be quiet. She’s like a mini Simon Cowell, I tell ya. Maybe she’ll be on the next American Idol panel.



I kept singing and she was all, “You do NOT sing well.” I mean, not in those words but her expression said it all. And the fact that she covered my mouth with her palm.



Since we live on a military base, helicopters and airplanes fly overhead often. Natalie spotted one and was all, “I go on an airplane soon? Yes? I sit?” (One would HOPE that you’d sit. Sometimes I have to struggle with her to get her to sit.)



Pointing out the helicopter. “It’s loud and I don’t yike it.” Oh, and still holding onto the trash.



Natalie’s reaction to the Jesse James interview. She’s all, “What’s WRONG with that guy?”



Yes! A smile. Guess what I did to get the smile?



If you guessed running into the side of the house, you’re right! (And I overheard some woman walking past while she was talking on the phone saying, “This chick just ran into her house. On purpose, I think.”)



Natalie reaction to women loving Edward Cullen. I’ve trained her well. When she sees him she’s all, “Yuck! Too cold!” (Because I told her he had cold disgusting skin.)



For some bizarre reason she decided to pretend to eat a rock.



“Yeah. I’m pretending to eat a rock. Whatcha gonna do about it?” (Take your picture, dear.)



Natalie rocks the tutu better than Sarah Jessica Parker, I just have to say.

I’m jealous of the people who got to see the latest Sex and the City already.



One last smack into the house...

And if you’re wondering why there are rarely any photos of Tommy?

Well.

Cooking with Amber (No Really!)

Hi!

Welcome to Cooking with Amber.

Wait. COME BACK!

Look, I know I can be a crummy cook. Yes, I did set off the fire alarm while making pancakes. But there are some things that I do make well. And one of those things is my bacon wrapped chicken.



So first you get some boneless chicken and pound it. Pretend that it’s an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend’s head. Or pretend that it’s the head of that chick you passed while going grocery shopping who was texting while driving—her knees were controlling the wheel. I’m not kidding. HER KNEES! Basically she was saying, “Lalala, texting to find out who Bippy is bopping is more important than human lives, lalalala.”

Ahem.

I went off in a tangent.

Sorry.

And I just realized that I probably should list the ingredients that you need first.

I’m just as unorganized when I’m cooking.

Anyhow, this is what you need:

Boneless chicken breasts
1 lb bag of mozzarella cheese
Salt
Pepper
Garlic Powder
BACON <-----Yes, needs to be capitalized because bacon rocks

Preheat oven to 375 degrees.



And THEN you can pound your meat.

Okay, that just sounds wrong.



After the meat has been pounded (teehee), you season the chicken. I season both sides with salt, pepper, and garlic power.



Then you get some bacon and place it on the bottom of the chicken. I use two slices of bacon because, well, bacon is delicious.



Add the mozzarella cheese and then roll up the chicken.

So it looks like this.



Yum, huh? And easy!

Cook for 45 minutes and believe me, this dish makes your house smell fantastic. It’ll even get the attention of your husband, who has been staring at the computer for two hours. He’ll be all, “Wow, that smells good!” and then you’ll be thinking, “Whew, it lives! Hooray for the power of bacon!”

Enjoy!

Hey, It's Okay Tuesday!

I got this idea from Glamour magazine. They have a section called Hey, It’s Okay and will list a bunch of things to be okay about. I think I’m going to do this every Tuesday now. You're welcome to join in and do something like this on your diary. Doesn't have to be on a Tuesday either.

Hey, It's Okay....



To be a total klutz. (I was a klutz before being a klutz was cool. I still say to this day that I inspired Hollywood to have actors run into glass doors. I totally did this when I was younger. Was not my best hour.)


To be a little bitter that Charlie Sheen is getting 1.9 million dollars an EPISODE for his work on Two and half men. So the lesson is, be a total asswad and get the big bucks?


To wonder why some people don’t wear seatbelts.


To be a little bummed that Ghost Whisperer got cancelled. Hey CBS, I was WATCHING that. (Though rumor has it that ABC might take the show. Come on ABC!)


To enjoy watching Full House even though it’s cheesy. Sometimes you need a little "You Got It Dude," in your life.


To wonder how people can cut out soda from their diets. My first thought when I hear someone has done this is to shout, “WHY? For the love of chocolate WHY?” Kudos to those people though. I could never do it.


To wonder how people can drink blended up wheatgrass. It tastes like…well, GRASS. I don’t care if it’s healthy. No, no, and no.


To hope that Sex and the City 2 will be entertaining. I don’t get most of the fashion in it though. I couldn’t wear half the things that Carrie puts on without looking like a total fool.


To be insulted that Gymboree didn’t bother to send you a 40% off coupon—I mean hello, I shop there all the time, I should be given a coupon for my loyalty. Maybe I’ll start looking elsewhere (hello Gap!)


To have covered your eyes for a lot of the season finale of Grey’s Anatomy. I mean, was that a roller coaster ride or what?


To have been totally confused over the finale of Lost to the point where you had to go online and have a stranger explain it to you. (Thank you to the author of this site.)

Honk If You Love Yard Sales!

I love yard sales.

So I was thrilled to go to the base wide yard sales on Saturday. Basically a bunch of families were going to be selling stuff at once. And I love to shop (cheaply) so I was excited to go out.

Normally I feel sluggish on Saturday mornings. But that day I was alert and ready to go. I guzzled down some Diet Coke for Caffeine Power and checked to make sure I had money in my wallet. I was on the prowl for outdoor toys, more specifically, one of those plastic outdoor houses.

“Remember to sit,” I instructed to Natalie, as I pulled the wagon out. I had nightmares of her leaping from the wagon and running down the street with her hands waving in the air. “Bye!” she’d scream. “Bye bye!” I seriously wouldn’t put it past her. Why didn’t my wagon come with (tight) seat belts?

So we started walking down the street. I expected to see tons of yard sales set up. But there was nothing. Huh? Did the people not get the memo? It was the BASE WIDE YARD SALE! Granted, I wasn’t having a yard sale either but still. In the distance I saw some items scattered in a driveway. Yes! Yes! But as got closer, I saw that the woman was just setting up. Er. Did she not realize that the thing started at 8? Look, I hate waking up early as much as the next person but she was missing out on potential money. I didn’t want to be Creepy Customer and wait at the end of her driveway so I kept moving.

Nothing, nothing, nothing.

WHERE WERE ALL THE YARD SALES?

And why did my legs feel like they were going to break off? Ugh, I really need to exercise more.

“There’s one!” Tommy announced and pointed.

He was right! A yard sale. And actual yard sale! With new adrenaline coursing through my veins, I rushed over. I mean, you have to hurry at these things. Because you never know if another customer will grab the one thing you wanted. People can be quite competitive at yard sales. Or maybe it’s just me. I eye my competition up and down silently thinking, “Don’t take what I want, don’t take what I want.”

This yard sale had some books set up. I LOVE cheap books. I immediately started to dig in.

“Mommy?” I had parked the wagon beside me and Natalie was climbing out. Flashes of her running down the street popped into my mind so I had to stop searching the books.

“Natalie, let’s sit. Look, I packed you some Dora snacks,” I pulled a bag from my purse and handed them over.

“I don’t YIKE da Dora snacks. I want to get out and LOOK!” Natalie said, throwing the Dora snacks down.

Ugh.

So I had to paw through the books while watching her. She was really killing my Yard Sale Buzz.

Another woman sidled up beside me to peek at the books and I was all, “ACK competition!” so I hurried through. I pulled out a hardback Olivia book—that cartoon is really annoying but Natalie likes it. Whenever I see it I immediately crave bacon since Olivia is a pig.

My competition found a Nicholas Sparks book. Hey! I wanted that! I wanted—wait, never mind, I already had it.

Then I found the latest Jodi Picoult book and grabbed that. The woman tisked and went, “Oh, great find, I’ll take it if you don’t want it.”

Um. I want it, lady.

I smiled and went, “I’m buying it. Have a fabulous day.”

And the best part was I only paid twenty five cents for it. TWENTY FIVE cents for the latest Jodi Picoult that is still eighteen bucks in stores.

I managed to get Natalie back in the wagon (only had to bribe her with my cell phone plus my Tic Tacs) and found another yard sale. Yay! This one didn’t have much. I just found a few chapter books for Tommy.

Where was all the outdoor stuff?

I walked and walked and walked. The yard sales were few and far between.

Then I found another one. I cupped my hand over my eyes so I could make sure I was really seeing a yard sale. Maybe it was a mirage. After all it was nearly seventy degrees and my poor used to cold weather body was in shock. It was all, wow, it’s really HOT now. I mean, we just had snow a few weeks ago for craps sake. Plus I’m allergic to exercise so I was in pain. Sweat was dripping off my forehead. Yuck.

“Tommy…” I gasped. “Is that another yard sale?”

Tommy stood on his tip toes. “Yup.”

So I grasped the wagon and chugged on. When I got to the yard sale I must’ve looked frightening because the little kid who lived there gasped and asked if I was sick and his father was all, “Can I get you some water?”

I did sound a little scary. I was breathing hard and sort of sounded like a donkey. I kept going, “Eeeeee....awwwwwww.....” that’s just how my breath was coming out. I couldn’t help it.

“I’m....okay,” I told the father. “I just....eeeeeeee....awwww....”

And that’s when I saw it. The plastic outdoor house I had been searching for. Right there in—

“I’ll just load this up now,” another man said, taking my house and loading it into his truck.

What? No! My house! He must’ve JUST bought it.

Then I spotted a play BBQ set and was about to move towards that but my legs were dead and wouldn’t move. They were all, “You’ve abused us today, we’re not budging.” While I was debating doing an Army crawl to it, this woman marched over, stuck her grubby hands on my BBQ set and went, “I’ll take this.”

See? Competitive, I tell ya.

If I had just been in shape I could have gotten the house AND the BBQ set. Hmph.

“Seriously, do you need water?” the father said again. I think he wanted to add, “Please don’t pass out in my yard. I just laid seed down.”

“I’m great, thank you....eeeeee....awwww...” I lied. I wasn’t great though. I was close to climbing into the wagon and asking Tommy if he could pull us home.

“I’m selling candy apples and grape soda. Want some?” the father’s son piped up.

Well. It wasn’t an outdoor plastic house or a play BBQ set. But at that moment a candy apple and a grape soda sounded splendid.

So I forked over some money and happily took my treats.

Maybe I’ll find an outdoor plastic house next year.

I’ll make sure to get myself in shape so then I’ll be in peak performance.

Oh, who am kidding?

Next year I’ll just drive around in my car like the smart people did.

The Census Bureau Guy

I went around to the back of my car to unload the groceries. I was busy mulling over the fact that I spent $121 on food…I mean, I didn’t get THAT much. My cart wasn’t even full for craps sake. So how in the world could I spend—

“Excuse me?”

A male voice spoke up behind me.

And because I startle easily, I screamed at the top of my lungs and swung the bag with the milk over my head. I was prepared to knock the guy out if he tried to rob me. He could have the bag of vegetables if he was really insistent but he would NOT get the bag containing the Little Debbie snacks.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” I went, the bag waving over my head.

The guy immediately held his arms out. “It’s okay. I’m sorry, it’s okay,” he said quickly. He took a step back lest he get smacked with the milk.

I took a good look at him. He seemed harmless enough. He had on tan pants and an orange vest with the words CENSUS BUREAU down it. He also had a clipboard in his hands.

“I just need you to answer some questions. Did you happen to mail your census paperwork in?” the guy asked. He was still quite a distance away from me. I think he was worried that I’d still strike him in the face.

I set the bag of milk at my feet. Hmmm...census paperwork, census paperwork....I thought back to the countless things I have filled out. Then I remembered filling out the census paperwork. I had been curled up on the couch and Natalie had tried to take it from me.

“If you mess with this, you’ll go to jail,” I had told her.

Only a three year old doesn’t really grasp the concept of jail so she didn’t take me seriously. She ran up the stairs with the paper so I yelled something that I knew she’d get.

“IF I DON’T GET THAT BACK, BROBEE IS GOING BACK TO THE STORE!”

I named one of her favorite characters from her creepy Yo Gabba Gabba show.

She ran downstairs and handed me back my paper.

So yes. I had filled out the paperwork.

But crap. Did I remember to MAIL it?

“I thought I did,” I told the man. What if he pulled out handcuffs and took me to jail? I mean, I didn’t think he could but I didn’t know. It was my first time filling out the paperwork. And I couldn’t go to jail. Not when I hadn't seen the Grey's Anatomy finale.

“Well, we did have reports about some getting lost in the mail. Needless to say we didn’t get yours so I’ll need to ask you some questions,” the man continued.

“Sure,” I agreed. Phew, no jail. I would not survive in jail. I do not look good in orange.

“Here’s my boogie,” Natalie said, coming over and handing me a booger. WHY does she keep doing that? I don’t WANT her boogers.

So basically I just had to answer questions about who all lives in the house. I answered the questions punctuated with demands for Natalie.

“Yes, his name is Tom, he’s 28 and NATALIE DON’T PUT THAT ROLY POLY IN YOUR MOUTH!”

Or,

“No, we don’t own the house, the military does, NATALIE, STOP LIFTING UP YOUR SHIRT AND FLASHING THE CARS. You are NOT A KARDASHIAN SISTER!”

When I was finally finished, the guy thanked me. Then he frowned.

“What’s going on over there?”

I thought Natalie was flashing cars again. But no, he was staring at Tommy’s science experiment.



“Oh,” I said. “My son is trying to devise a potion to get grown adults to stop going crazy over Twilight. Haha.”

The guy just gaped at me as though I had a leprechaun doing a jig on the top of my head.

“To be honest, I’m not sure what he’s doing,” I said, feeling my face grow red. I really need to stop trying to be funny.

Plus, it’s probably not wise to joke with a Census Bureau guy. He could write down on our papers, “Child makes potions, could potentially destroy Earth.”

“Hmm. Well okay, thanks for answering my questions. And oh, I think your daughter is trying to climb up that tree.”

What?

I looked over and Natalie was halfway up the little tree in front of the house.

“AH-U-DAH-MAY!” Natalie screeched, grasping on for dear life. She was saying the Spanish word for help. She learned it from watching Diego. Who says television is bad for kids?

“Thank you,” I said to the man and darted off to help Natalie.

I wouldn’t be surprised if the guy wrote on our papers. “Dysfunctional family,” and underlined it three times.

Oh well.

A Kids Free Meal

They were sweet.

Succulent.

Delicious.

And I got to enjoy them without a miniature hand coming at them.

I was at IHOP with my friend Amanda. Kids free. Our meal had arrived. And get this.

I WAS ABLE TO DIG RIGHT IN.

I didn’t have to cut anyone else’s food.

I didn’t have to remind someone that it was time to SIT DOWN and stop staring at the old man.

It was Heaven.

I was trying those new cheesecake pancakes. The strawberry ones. And they were amazing.

“So good,” I said to Amanda with my mouth full. Oops. Better swallow first. I don’t want to scare my friends off with my appalling manners.

I loved how I could eat everything on my plate and not have to share. Because you see, everything I order the kids suddenly want.

After we ate, we headed to the movie theater. We were going to see Letters to Juliet. I got my buttery popcorn—and then proceeded to spill most of it on the counter. I am the biggest klutz, I tell you. I constantly spill things. I think I spill my cups more than my children. Tom is used to it now. Whenever I tip something over he just goes, “I’ll get the paper towels.”

I’m sure the poor teenaged movie worker was irritated with me even though he said it was okay. But what else could he say? “SonofaBITCH lady!”

The movie was entertaining. But here’s my gripes:

Amanda Seyfried’s character says to her guy, “We should want to be together all the time.” (And that's not a spoiler, she says it in the preview..)

Um.

Here’s the thing. I don’t want to be with Tom all the time. I need to my space. I don’t get when couples flip out if they are apart for a few hours.

So I wanted to call out to Amanda (the actress, not my friend Amanda), “Actually, not true. Space is a healthy thing.”

Oh, and the word “love” was said too early. I hate in romantic comedies when the man and the woman suddenly love each other after knowing one another for a few days. Please.

This also happened in The Ugly Truth. I’m supposed to believe that these people hated each other and then boom, they love each other?

I think I’ve grown cynical with age.

All in all it was an enjoyable movie. It made me want to go to Italy. Mainly for the food though. I LOVE Italian food. I wish I had Italian family members who cooked for me all the time.

Of course I’d probably be incredibly fat.

But oh well. At least I’d have all the pasta and canolis I could eat.

The Tornado Scare

The tornado alarm went off as soon as Tommy came home from school.

“What’s happening?” Tommy asked, taking off his backpack. “Are we dying?”

“It’s a tornado warning,” I said and flipped the TV to the local news station.

“KAI-LAN!” Natalie shrieked. “I was watching KAI-LAN! PUT IT BACK ON KAI-LAN!”

“Sweetheart, I need to make sure a tornado isn’t coming for us. Do you want to get blown away?” I wondered.

“Yes! KAI-LAN!”

Well. Of course the three-year-old wouldn’t get it.

But Tommy did. He’s been obsessed with tornadoes ever since we told him that Oklahoma, the place where we’re moving to next, gets a lot of them.

“A tornado? Oh my GOD!” Tommy bellowed. “I’m going to go get my tornado book! Are we going to die?”

Jesus. I was starting to get a little panicked. Especially when Tom went, “I can see it! Give me the camera.” And proceeded to run outside.

I mean.....the HELL? If you can SEE the tornado, common sense would say to GET THE CRAP INSIDE. But no. My husband took MY camera and darted to the front yard with it.



“COME INSIDE!” I begged. I spotted the tornado and was two seconds away from full freak out mode.

“Be right there,” Tom said. He was behaving as though it were a bright sunny day and that there wasn’t a tornado facing us.

We don’t have a basement so I started ushering the kids in the closet.

“Why? Are we going to get blown away? Look what a tornado did to this house!” And Tommy showed me a picture from his tornado book where the house was completely destroyed.

What is wrong with the men in this house? Tommy’s father was currently in the yard photographing the tornado. And Tommy was happily telling me what one could do.

“A tornado can tear through a house in a matter of seconds,” Tommy read from his book.

“Son. Let me have that. You’re scaring Mommy,” I said and tossed it across the room.

“HEY!” Tommy shouted indignantly.

Tom came in then. “I better get ready for work.”

“WORK?!” What was he talking about work for? He couldn’t possibly go to work when there was a tornado looming nearby. Plus, he couldn’t leave me.

“The local news just said that the tornado went away,” Tom said, grabbing his uniform.

“But another one could form,” I reminded him.

The newscaster then reported that funnels were spotted above the military base. Where we were currently residing.

“Oh my God,” I said. I was trying hard not to lose my cool. I had to stay brave for my children.

“It’ll be okay,” Tom said casually. “Just head into the closet if it gets bad.”

“But..” I sputtered.

“It’ll be okay,” Tom repeated.

“But..what if a tornado comes through? I’m not ready to die yet. There is so many things I need to accomplish. Such as getting my book published and having a gay best friend,” I said, wringing my hands nervously.

Tom raised an eyebrow. “A gay best friend?”

I nodded. “Yes. The guys on Modern Family seem awesome. And Tori Spelling has Gunkles. You know, a gay couple who are also considered uncles to her kids.”

Tom blinked at me. “As I said before, you’ll be fine.”

He left soon after that. The tornado alarm sounded again. What I wanted to do was rock back and forth repeating, “He left us. He left us,” like that blond girl on Jurassic Park. But again, I had my kids. So I clapped my hands and went, “Right, isn’t this fun?”

“Are we dying?” Tommy said.

“KAI-LAN!” Natalie screeched.

We waited in the closet until the tornado alarm went off. I was ready to get out of there. It’s SMALL. Plus Tommy totally farted and I wanted to pass out. And also, and I get this sounds bad, I kept thinking, “I hope this is all done by the time Lost comes on.” It’s like, sorry, don’t have time for tornadoes when Lost is on. Come again on Monday when nothing is on. Thanks.

When the alarm stopped the newscaster said we were clear. No more tornadoes, just a threat of a severe thunderstorm.

“So we aren’t going to get blown away?” Tommy’s shoulders slumped with disappointment. Seriously. What is WITH the men in this house?

“KAI-LAN?” Natalie tugged on my shirt.

“Oh…fine…I think we’re okay now.” I put Natalie’s show back on.

“Is another tornado coming someday? Are we going to get blown away then?” Tommy prattled on. He spoke of nothing BUT tornadoes the rest of the night. I’d be all, “Time to brush your teeth,” and he’d be all, “Tornadoes are cool,” and I’d be all, “Time to get in bed,” and he’d be all, “Tornadoes can blow us away.” He even made a paper tornado.

I, for one, hope we never have to experience a tornado barreling through the neighborhood.

Especially on good television night.

Hey, It's Okay Tuesday!

I got this idea from Glamour magazine. They have a section called Hey, It’s Okay and will list a bunch of things to be okay about. I think I’m going to do this every Tuesday now. You're welcome to join in and do something like this on your diary. Doesn't have to be on a Tuesday either.

Hey, It's Okay....


To hate the phrase “staycation.” If you aren’t going anywhere, just say, “I’m not going anywhere.”


To be flattered that I somehow wound up mentioned on the Parents’ Picks Nominees list for my blog. If you feel I deserve it, can you click the nominate button here?


To think Billy Ray Cyrus needs to wake up and parent his daughter. He commented that the lap dance a then sixteen-year-old Miley gave to the forty-something director of her movie was just, “kids being kids.” Um. I never gave a man a lap dance at sixteen, Billy Ray.


To love diet Cherry Cokes from Sonic (and want one right now.)


To hope the last episode ever of Lost will be a good one and not one that leaves the viewer going ???????


To wish Jillian Micheals could come over for a week to kick your butt into gear. Wait. Maybe not. She’s pretty scary.


To appreciate the fact that Meeko helped edit my query letter. If you’re into chick lit and wouldn’t mind reading it over to see if it’s a book that you’d read, let me know and I’ll send it to you. (I may not be able to get to everyone who asks so if you offer and I don’t get to you, thank you! Oh and in case you don’t know, a query letter is basically what is on the back of the book. It’s just a really brief synopsis on what the book is about.)


To have been a little turned on by Bret Michaels in the last Celebrity Apprentice. It’s probably just sympathy over the whole him being in the hospital thing. Because surely I wouldn’t find someone who hangs around diseased looking women with names like Nail and Sheet attractive. Right?


To wonder why people are STILL sending those e-mail chain letters.


To not care that Eclipse tickets are already on sale. Edward looks constipated in the movie, people.


To think the girls who did that risqué dance to Beyonce’s Single Ladies (you can see the video here) was totally inappropriate, especially considering that these are 8 and 9 year olds. (Billy Ray Cyrus would probably be all for this video considering he praised Miley for dancing on a stripper pole.)


To have been a little shocked over the finale of Desperate Housewives.


To be thankful for Stacey for patiently answering various HTML questions that I’ve thrown at her.


To wonder what in the world Natalie was doing here:



A Redneck Recliner, maybe? (Yes, she’s in underwear. No, she’s not potty trained. Soon after the picture was taken, she proceeded to piss all over my carpet.)

When Monkeys Attack

So fine, I don’t like waking up early.

It’s probably why I nearly bit my husband when he woke me up yesterday. We were leaving early for the Denver Zoo. Tom is big on getting on the road early so we can get to places right when they open, thus avoiding crowds. Have I mentioned that Tom hates large crowds? I thought he was going to burst into tears and shout, "Who are all these people?!" when we went to Disney World a few times.

“Did you just try to BITE me?” Tom asked incredulously after he had shaken me awake.

Had I? Oh. I hadn’t even realized that I had done that. It was just my immediate reaction, I guess.

I rolled out of bed. Sat on the end of it blinking a few times. Went, “What’s this?” when Natalie went barreling into me. Tom went, “That’s our daughter.” Right. My mind isn’t fully awake in the morning.

We stopped off at the shoppette to get gas and caffeine. When I slid out of my seat Tom looked shocked.

“Where are you going?”

“Caffeine,” I croaked. “Now.”

I shuffled inside. Nearly ran into a soldier. Then I nearly ran into a display of chips.

“Caffeine,” I said again, heading for the fountain drinks. I grabbed a cup and put it against the ice toggle. Nothing came out. Diet coke is NOTHING without ice. I’m sorry, but it’s really not.

“Ice,” I said to passing worker. “Ice please?”

“Yeah, we’ll get that in a few,” I was told.

A FEW?! Did this woman not comprehend that I needed caffeine in my system NOW?

In the end I had to get the diet coke without the ice. It wasn’t the same but at least I got my caffeine. Halfway to the zoo I was all, “I’m so excited!” and Tom went, “Oh, you’re nice now?” and I answered, “Yes, thanks to the power of caffeine!”

We got to the Denver Zoo and parked. We went with Amanda’s family, by the way. We grabbed a zoo map and started wandering around. Tommy loved the python. He was all, “Pythons can eat PIGS, Mom!”





Most of the animals were sleeping. Maybe because it was Sunday, the day of rest? So most of the animals we saw were passed out.

Some were up at least.





Weird buffalos weren’t. Natalie did not like them. At first she was all, “I yike dis thing.” Then she buried her face in Tom’s shoulder and went, “I don’t yike dis thing anymore.”

Then we saw some monkeys.

And this is where things got interesting.



Natalie was standing up against the glass (don't worry, this was allowed) and I guess her ultra adorable zoo outfit offended the monkey. He was probably all, “Why are there GIRAFFES on your shirt and not monkeys?” (By the way, Tom mocked me for even putting Natalie in a zoo outfit and I said a lot of people put kids in zoo outfits when they go to the zoo. Tom said no, I was the only weird one. So every time I passed a kid in a zoo outfit I went, “Zoo outfit. Zoo outfit. Oh, another zoo outfit.” So many kids were in Gymboree!)

Anyhow, where was I?

Oh yeah, the scary monkey.

It ran up to the glass and started pounding on it.





Natalie freaked out.

“Da monkey is MEAN. I don’t YIKE da monkey!” she yelled.

But did I come to her rescue? No, I was too busy laughing. And taking pictures. (Hey, I knew she was safe..)

I feel bad now. (I made up for the whole laughing thing by buying Natalie an ICEE. All was forgiven after that.)

Seriously though, that monkey does look scary.

Now Natalie is all, “Da monkey scared me.”



Other animals made her happy though.

So to sum up, we had a fun trip.



Tom made friends with a goose.



Tommy made friends with a peacock.



Natalie made friends with a peacock.



And we made enemies out of a group of monkeys.



Zoos rock.

My Dear Letters

Nothing much else to report so I'll do My Dear Letters.

----------------


Dear Natalie,

Contrary to what you may think, I do NOT like it when you hand me your boogers. Please stop it. Find a tissue, okay?

I’d rather have a pretty picture,
Amber

------------------

Dear Feet,

Why can’t you be prettier? I really wish I could wear cute summer shoes but alas, you won’t allow it.

Chick with the unattractive toes,
Amber

--------------------

Dear Tommy,

No, you may NOT have a phone. You’re eight. You basically only know us. So who would you call? You do realize that Spongebob isn’t real, right? You can’t call him. So no phone.

Just being a practical and not giving into every request,
Amber

--------------------

Dear Tom,

I’m reminding you again that I am NOT a contortionist. I repeat: I am NOT a contortionist. Therefore, I cannot bend that way no matter how much you want me to.

A non-bendy,
Amber

-------------------

Dear Letters to Juliet,

Please be a good movie. I’m going to see you Sunday. If not, oh well, at least I get to munch on buttery popcorn and enjoy kid-free time.

A waiting to be entertained (without worrying about children),
Amber

------------------

Dear TLC,

Why in the world are you bringing Kate Gosselin back? At this point I think people are just a tad tired of seeing her. Maybe wait a couple of years and see if she grows a Nice Gene. Then try again.

An irritated,
Amber

--------------------

Dear blogger The Blue Zoo,

Thank you so much for nominating me for a Funniest Pages award over here. I ended up being one of the winnners! That totally made my day. I'll definately be posting my award as soon as I remember how. HTML does NOT like me.

Signed,
A Yay-People-Like-Me,
Amber


---------------------


Dear Mederma Stretch Mark Cream that I bought from here,

Please work. I know I should be proud of my stretch marks…the whole I got these from bringing my children in the world thing—but I’m really not. I need them gone. And I cannot afford a tummy tuck. Sadly. So please. Work.

A stretch marked covered,
Amber

-----------------

Dear Southwest Airlines,

Please lower the cost of your flights from North Carolina to Denver. (We're going to visit my husband's side of the family so he can say goodbye before he leaves for Korea.) I found a great deal from Denver to North Carolina.....but your return trip costs bites ass. $171 per ticket is too much from cheapskate me. Please lower them to $99. Pretty please?

Less plane ticket means I can shop more while I’m there,
Amber

------------------

Dear Lost creators,

Hi. I’ve been watching your show for six years now and I still have NO IDEA what is going on. Please explain the following things in your finale. Such as: where did Ben go, who is Jack’s son’s mother, what exactly IS the island, what is the man in black’s name, is Jacob really good, is Jack going to run the island now, CAN CHARLIE COME BACK TO LIFE?

A baffled but still loyal,
Amber

-------------------

Dear The Tudors,

I’m sad that this is the last season. Can someone please take over the show and continue it? So much more happens. Such as Prince Edward becoming King but having those freaky Seymours speak for him since he’s underage, Thomas Seymour trying to seduce Elizabeth (yuck), Thomas Seymour eventually losing his head (he deserved it), Prince Edward dying of consumption (aww), a poor girl called Jane being forced to take the throne even though Mary has the legitimate claim, Jane being de-throned after only nine days and then losing her head (double aww), Mary finally getting a man, Mary burning anyone who doesn’t share her religious views (hence why she was dubbed bloody Mary), Mary putting her sister Elizabeth in the Tower of London since she believed Elizabeth was plotting against her due to Elizabeth NOT sharing her religious views (among other reasons), Mary thinking she’s pregnant but turning out not to be, Mary dying (she was sort of freaky so I didn’t really sympathize with her), Elizabeth taking the crown....so please? Someone? Bueller?

A Tudor fanatic,
Amber

Tommy's Science Experiments

“Stop it! You almost knocked over my science experiment!” Tommy shouted at me.

Huh? I had been reaching for some spices and my arm had tapped against the empty soda container.

Tommy had set this up on the counter:



I have absolutely no idea what he was trying to create.

He’s been really into science lately. In fact, when I wandered into the bathroom I found this:



“Um Tommy? What in the world?”

And he’ll just say, “It’s my experiment.”

Yes but. WHAT does it DO?

He has this on his door:



I figure you don’t speak Tommy so I’ll translate (believe it or not, he’s gotten much better with his writing. Before I had no idea what he was trying to say..)

So yeah, his door says, “Tommy the science boy PS. Don’t come in. Only on Friday or Thursday.” And he’s serious about this too. I walked in on a Tuesday and he’s all, “It’s not Thursday! Or Friday!” and I said, “I gave birth to you so those rules don’t apply to me,” and he reluctantly let me enter.

Anyhow, I tend to find science experiments all over the house. So when I found another one I joked, “Just make sure you don’t create something that’ll make the world black out for two minutes like on FlashForward,”

*Crickets*

Um okay. Tough room.

I tried again.

“Make sure you don’t create a way for dinosaurs to come back or anything. Haha.”

*More crickets*

“Just don’t blow anything up, Tommy. Got it?”

Back to Mother's Day

Ding Dong!

Ding Dong!

Who in the hell was ringing my door at 11 in the morning? On MOTHER’S DAY no less.

I pulled open the door and Blake, the annoying neighborhood kid stared up at me.

“Can Tommy play?” he asked.

I sighed. “Yes.” I called Tommy.

“Did you know it was Mother’s Day, Tommy’s Mom?” Blake wondered.

“Yes. Why aren’t you with YOUR mother?”

Blake grinned. “She told me I should go out and play.”

Well gee. I wonder why.

“Can we play in your garage? Can we play with the water guns? Can we—”

“Blake, you guys can play with chalk. How about that?”

Tommy came down and they went outside. They started coloring with chalk. Then some other kids joined them. I thought they’d be entertained and would leave me alone. I sat down in front of the computer so I could work on revising my novel. I had figured out the perfect way to re-word a paragraph so it flowed better. My fingers were flying over the keyboard. YES…it was—

DING DONG!

Oh for the love of chocolate.

I marched to the door.

“YES, Blake?”

“Some kid called me dumb,” Blake, the neighbor tattletale, said.

And why was he telling me? Tommy didn’t call him dumb. Some other kid did. Why wasn’t he bothering THEIR parents?

“Just tell the kid it’s not nice to name call,” I said, and started to walk away. I had to get back to the computer before I lost my train of thought.

“Tommy’s Mom!” Blake shouted and OPENED the front door. He’s notorious for just walking into people’s homes. One day he’s going to be scarred for life when he sees my husband stroll past in his boxers with the holes in them.

“Close that,” I demanded, coming back over. I grabbed the handle and clicked it shut. Maybe I’m the neighborhood grump. Who knows?

“Tommy’s Mom, some kids aren’t sharing the chalk,” he continued.

“Tell them to share. Blake, I really need to get back to—”

“But Tommy’s Mom—”

“Blake, unless a kid is injured I really don’t care.” Yeah. I’m totally the neighborhood grump.

Blake left after that. I got back on the computer.

And then Natalie announced that she had to pee. We’re potty training so the second she tells me this, I get excited thinking that THIS is the moment that she’s finally going to pee in the potty and not on my floor. So I led her by the hand to the bathroom. She climbed on the toilet.

And sat there.

And sat there.

Oh, and sat there.

The perfect paragraph that I had in my head had faded away.

Sitting cross legged on a bathroom floor was NOT how I envisioned my Mother’s Day.

“Are you going to go?” I asked Natalie.

“Yes.” She nodded emphatically.

But did nothing.

“Can you please do something in the potty?” I said.

So Natalie farted.

“I farted!” she laughed.

“Yes but…where is the pee?”

“I don’t know?” Natalie shrugged and seriously looked baffled.

So no pee. I switched on Wow Wow Wubzy on the TV and got back to my novel. I poised my fingers over the keyboard.

“I’m hungry,” Natalie informed me.

So I got her a snack. She wanted grapes and apples. But I guess I cut the apples wrong because she took all the apple bits off the plate and set them aside.

“I no want,” she said.

“But you said you wanted apples.”

“I NO WANT!”

“Young lady, you do not speak to me like that. Especially on Mother’s Day.”

Later I tried to stretch out on the couch. Natalie sat on my face.

The cat puked on the carpet.

Tommy told me that I was ruining his life when I said we didn’t have an ingredient that he needed for a science experiment he was putting together.

My husband had to work that night so I had no break.

But...

That night as I put the kids to bed, Tommy apologized and said he was mistaken, that I wasn’t ruining his life after all.

And Natalie gave me a wet kiss on my cheek.

Oh, and Tom said that this weekend I could go out to lunch and see a movie with my friend Amanda.

Sweet. Impending freedom.

Hey, It's Okay Tuesday!

I got this idea from Glamour magazine. They have a section called Hey, It’s Okay and will list a bunch of things to be okay about. I think I’m going to do this every Tuesday now. You're welcome to join in and do something like this on your diary. Doesn't have to be on a Tuesday either.

Hey, It's Okay....


To think that Miley Cyrus needs to wear pants in her latest weird bird video. I mean..Billy Ray, hello? Your daughter is missing her pants. Then again, you let Miley date a twenty-year-old when she was sixteen so...(I'm just saying, Tom would go after a guy with his shotgun if he were twenty and Natalie was only sixtreen..)


To love the new limeade that Taco Bell sells.


To question the sanity of most of the mothers on Toddlers & Tiaras.


To not be able to walk properly in high heels.


To be a little miffed that it’s snowing. In MAY!


To not be ashamed that you asked for the epidural when giving birth.


To blast the song Cats in the Cradle when you feel like your husband isn’t spending enough time with his son.


To think Betty White is hilarious.


To be flattered that Alissa from Mommy&Molly asked me to guest post. I guest posted here.


To wonder how your friend Amanda can eat movie popcorn WITHOUT butter. Doesn’t it taste like Styrofoam?


To be a little nervous over watching the latest episode of The Tudors because you've heard the following happens: fingernails are ripped off, guts are taken out, and someone smears their poop on the wall because they are losing their mind over the prospect of losing their head.


To listen to Hallelujah by Rufus Wainwright when you are writing a particularly difficult chapter in your novel.


To think that the cake you got for your husband was hilarious:



What? He always complains that he’s getting old and that his knees hurt, and that his back hurts…