My Dear Letters

Here are some letters I wish I could send....

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Dear eBayers,

When a seller specifies that they expect payment within three days of the auctions end, they mean it. If something comes up, please communicate. Don’t just make up your own rules.

Signed,
An-irritated-seller,
Amber

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Dear Extreme Couponers,

Please don’t take all the Aspirin. It’s rude.

Signed,
A-sometimes-normal-people-get-headaches,
Amber

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Dear Tommy,

Please stop telling pregnant women, “If your baby gets stuck, don’t worry, they can use a vacuum to get it out.” You’re scaring them.

Signed,
A-sorry-just-has-a-son-who-is-infatuated-with-pregnancy,
Amber

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Dear thighs,

You MUST stop growing so I don’t scare people in my swimsuit.

PS. Legs, I swear I’ll shave you. Eventually. It’s just, with Tom being gone I don’t see much of a point.....

Signed,
A-pretty-hairy-with-plenty-of-thighs,
Amber

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Dear Tom,

Look, I know you want me to be more spontaneous. Which means you wish I’d get naked more on Skype. But I’m sorry. I worry someone will walk in your room. Or someone will BE in the room and you won’t even let me know until it’s too late. Plus, suppose one of the kids comes down and sees their mother in the buff on the computer chair? What an image! I’d rather not pay for those therapy bills.

Signed,
An-I’ll-just-get-a-sexy-outfit-on-Victoria’s-Secret-and-call-him-in-that,
Amber

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Dear movie theater nachos,

I can’t wait to have you later. You’re the reason why I’m taking the kids to see Rio. I’ve missed you so much.

PS. Don’t worry movie theater popcorn, I’m getting you too. With lots of butter. And Sno Caps sprinkled in.

Signed,
A-no-wonder-my-thighs-are-big,
Amber

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Dear Natalie,

What was the purpose of biting the couch? And by the way, the vase is NOT a toy. I don’t care if your Barbie wants to sit in it.

Signed,
A-really-would-like-to-have-nice-things-someday,
Amber

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Dear ham,

Please don’t burn on Easter. Otherwise we’ll be having Peeps for dinner.

Signed,
An-actually-wouldn’t-mind-Peeps-for-a-meal,
Amber