I Don't Iron

Proof that I’ve never ironed a day in my life....




Natalie thought the ironing board she got for her birthday was a bed.

Mary Kay Makeover

Guess which one is a lie.

I’ve been known to have Little Debbie snacks for breakfast

I’m a makeup expert

I hate word verification with a passion

I cry during The Neverending Story. The poor horse!


If you guessed that the makeup expert one was a lie, you are correct.

I went to a Mary Kay party over the weekend. I’m not really a huge fan of those parties where people try to sell me stuff and try to get me to become a consultant. That’s never going to happen. It’s just not for me. I can’t get excited over mascara. I just can’t.

I went because my friend Amanda needed more people. And because her husband offered to watch my kids. Look, I’ll sit through anything if it means I get kid free time. I’ll even sit in a math class, and I detest math. I’d probably be sitting there with a wide smile on my face and would nudge my neighbor while saying, “Isn’t this great?” She’d answer, “Is what great? Math? No, it’s shit,” and I’d say, “No. Being in a room without children!” And then she’d scoot far away from me.

Still. I don’t get a lot of kid free time since Tom has been gone. He’s been gone for seven months so I’m desperate for it. Yes, I do get a couple hours in the morning alone since Tommy is in school and Natalie is in preschool…but it seems like the time is over before I know it.

Anyway, the Mary Kay party was…interesting. I had to fill out a paper about my skin and my face shape. I was asked what I used to moisturize and honestly, sometimes I forget to put cream on my face at night. This means my skin is going to look leathery and droopy when I’m older but some nights I can’t be bothered. I had no clue what my face shape was. I was tempted to write, “Face-like?” but wasn’t sure if the host of the party would get my humor. Probably not. (And I was also asked to explain my lip shape. I wanted to write, “Not like Angelina Jolie’s, unfortunately.)

We were told to try the samples she had put out in front of us. And they were nice, yes, but I found them overpriced. At one point I was asked to put on eyeliner and mascara and here’s the thing: I had a bad experience with those items. I almost poked my eye out with the mascara and I haven’t used it since. Same with the eyeliner. I felt like my eyeballs were more important than looking good.

So I explained this to the hostess, and she kept trying to explain it to me and I kept looking at her as though she just farted.

“You hold the mirror DOWN when you are doing your top lashes,” she instructed slowly because she could see she was dealing with a Person Who Knew NOTHING About Makeup.

My eyes kept having flashbacks on nearly being poked out so I couldn’t do it right. I ended up looking like a drunken raccoon even though the hostess was like, “You look great!”

Man, I need to get rich so I can afford a makeup artist.

We had to play a few games, which I hate. I pulled some Matchbox cars from a box and was asked what they symbolized about Mary Kay.

The only thing that came to mind was the fact that they hurt like a bitch when stepped on barefoot. But that wasn’t what the hostess wanted to hear. I said something like, “It means you don’t have to drive all over?” and she launched into the real meaning which was that you could get a Mary Kay car if you sold enough.

A car is nice, but still, no thanks. I don’t want to sell stuff.

I did buy some blush, because I liked how it looked on my cheeks. The hostess helped me put it on so I bet now when I try to do it myself, I’ll look like a clown.

I really need to get a makeup artist.

Help.

Hey, It's Okay Tuesday!

I got this idea from Glamour magazine. They have a section called Hey, It’s Okay and will list a bunch of things to be okay about. You're welcome to join in and do something like this on your diary. Doesn't have to be on a Tuesday either.

----------------------

To have been saddened by the news of Elizabeth Taylor’s passing.


To really enjoy music from The Decemberists.


To think it’s funny that Natalie really wants to go on the show Wipeout.


To be bummed that Steve Carell is leaving The Office. So long as John Krasinski stays, I’ll continue to watch.


To be ready for Spring weather. This means the snow can piss off.


To hate when magazines post photos of “affordable” fashion and one shirt is like 100 bucks. That’s not affordable fashion. Affordable fashion is a shirt for 10 bucks. I don't know about anyone else but I'd never spend 100 on one shirt. Or maybe that just makes me cheap.


To have cried throughout most of the latest Army Wives episode to the point where I was scaring the cat.


To look forward to that new show on Showtime starting Sunday called The Borgias. If you liked The Tudors, you’ll probably like this.


To get annoyed when someone in the drive thru line orders 10 different things, with specific instructions. “One burger, no lettuce or mayo, one chicken sandwich, no tomato, a soda mixed with sprite and coke..”


To think the yellow Peeps taste the best.

Tangled Review and Giveaway **CLOSED

**Winner announced here**

My daughter cannot wait for tomorrow to come.

Why?

Because that’s the day that Disney’s Tangled is released on DVD!

She’s been waiting (impatiently) for the movie to come out. We saw it in the theater and she instantly loved it. She now owns the following: Tangled pajamas, Tangled clothing, Tangled Barbies, a Tangled hairbrush…

Tangled, if you didn’t know, is a modern day tale of Rapunzel. You know, the chick with all the hair? If I had all that hair, I’d trip over it, mark my words. Anyway, Rapunzel is hidden away in a tower by her slighty freaky looking mother. One day Flynn Ryder, a handsome thief, climbs into the tower to escape his captors and well…chaos ensues. Hilarious chaos. The movie is filled with singing, dancing, and an amusing horse named Maximus (the boys will love him! My son was worried the movie was too girly but he admitted that Maximus the horse made it okay…)

Guess what? I have a Blu-Ray copy to give away.

Here are the features:

DVD
• 2 original storybook openings
• 50th Animated Countdown

2-Disc BD Combo Pack (BD+DVD)
• DVD features plus
• 3 deleted scenes
• The Making of a Fairy Tale
• 2 extended songs
• 9 Theatrical Teasers

Be sure to check out the awesome widget as well! It's a preview of the movie so you can see how hilarious it is. (Is it wrong that I find Flynn Ryder attractive? My husband has been gone too long..) You can also discover hidden talents that you might not be aware you even have. Maybe this means I'm a better cook than I think...

To be eligible to win the Blu-Ray copy of Tangled, please leave a comment telling me who your favorite Disney princess is. For an extra entry, leave me a comment telling me about one of YOUR hidden talents. Please leave the entries separate and make sure you leave your e-mail address if it's not connected to your blog.

Contest runs until April 6th! Good luck!

He Was Hurt?

Just letting you know I was in the ER today. I toar up my hand pretty bad in an exercise today but I am fine. I am soar but fine. Dont worry I will talk to you in the morning. I love you very much.



That was the message waiting for me on my Facebook page from Tom.

First of all, I find it amusing that he spells exercise right but not ‘tore’ or ‘sore.’ I love him and he’s intelligent it’s just, his spelling is....

....horrible. So it’s no wonder that Tommy is struggling with spelling. I checked over a paper he wrote and he spelled ‘enough’ as ‘enuf.’ And he got your and you're mixed up and I swear to you now, he won't be an adult who doesn't know the difference.

Honestly, the spelling wasn’t the first thing I noticed. I saw the word ‘ER’ and immediately pictured Tom with his face blown off and a knife coming out of his head—then I realized I was picturing an episode of Grey’s Anatomy and needed to chill.

Still. Why would he leave me a vague message like that? Why not send me a message explaining exactly what happened? Why leave me to panic? He knows I panic. He knows I picture the worst. He knows I have an OVERACTIVE IMAGINATION.

What if he did lose a body part?

What if his dog (he’s a K9 Handler) bit off his hand?

How did he tear up his hand to begin with?

WHY DID HE NOT GIVE ME MORE DETAILS!?

He’s lucky he doesn’t have a telephone in Korea. Otherwise I’d have called him up and demanded to know more information.

As it was, I had to wait hours until he came on Skype.

Was his hand half off?

So. Okay. He was doing an exercise. And somehow he tore up his hand. But how? He said he was fine, so that was good. Only..what if he said that so I wouldn’t panic? Maybe he’s missing an arm and didn’t want to alarm me by going, “Hi. I’ve lost an arm, but I’m okay.”

Finally, after what seemed like forever, Tom came online. I immediately called him over Skype and the second the camera clicked on I went, “I’d love you even if you only had one hand! Or no hands!”

I expected Tom to be moved and to stare back at me with only one arm intact. But no. He still had two. And he was looking at me as though I had a thong on my head.

“Amber, I didn’t lose a hand,” he began slowly as though speaking to a mental patient. Or Gary Busey.

“But your Facebook message—”

“Was just informing you that I tore up my hand. Not that I LOST it.” He lifted up both hands and they were both wrapped in a green bandage.

“Oh, my poor gimp!” I exclaimed.

“Gimp? Amber, it’s no big deal. We were in the middle of an exercise, my hand got caught on my gun, then my dog dragged me a little bit and—”

“You were DRAGGED?”

“I’m okay,” Tom insisted. “Just sore.”

“You could have explained all of that in a longer message,” I fumed. “How would you like it if I just left you a message saying, ‘I’m in the ER. Love you!’ That would be annoying, right?”

“I’d assume you were in there because you burned something in the kitchen,” Tom replied in a snarky tone.

Hmph. I shouldn’t have worried so much about him. He didn’t even CARE that I was in the ER..only I really WASN’T in the ER but still.

“I’m glad you still have both of your hands,” I said. “But I’d love you even if—”

Tom rolled his eyes. “My face blew off. Yes. I know. You’ve told me.”

“Well, it’s true. Just as I’m sure you’d love me if my face blew off.”

Tom made a face. “Why would your face blow off?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. A cooking accident? A monkey pulled it off? Only in that case, it wouldn’t be blown off, it would be pulled off, which ew, now I’m feeling sick.”

“Okay, look, we’ll just both agree that we’ll love each other if we have no face. Now can we stop talking about this?” Tom begged.

“Sure.”

Isn’t it great though? Tom and I will love one another even without a face.

It’s sort of romantic.

In a creepy sort of way.

Return of the Dunkaroos

“I don’t want to sit, I don’t like to sit, sitting is BAD!” Natalie informed me as I struggled to get her into the Wal-Mart shopping cart. She started off kicking and then she went limp, which made her thirty pound frame feel like it was 100 pounds. If I exercised and lifted weights, this wouldn’t be a problem. As it is, I don’t exercise or lift weights, so I almost fell to the floor.

God. We were going to end up on peopleofwalmart.com, weren’t we?

“Natalie,” I said through clenched teeth. Shoppers passed us and a few frowned in our direction.

“What? Do you think you can do any better?” I shouted. Well. Not really. I just thought it.

Supernanny Jo Frost’s voice popped in my head. “Am-bah. You’re allowing Natalie to dictate what she will and will not do. That is NOT good parenting.”

Ahh hush, Jo. You’re from a place that makes something to eat called a Spotted Dick.

Still. I had to show Natalie who was boss.

“Natalie,” I said firmly. “You will go into the cart. I’m tired and cranky and want to get this shopping trip over with so I can go to Sonic. Okay?”

Natalie scowled at me.

“If you would actually stay with me, I’d let you walk on your own. But you like to run off and Mommy is too hungry for cardio. You can sit in the basket of the cart instead of the front. Deal?”

Natalie believes she’s above sitting in the front of the cart. She’s believed this since she was two.

“Ohhhh-kay,” Natalie reluctantly agreed.

Finally.

Look, there are some things that I just know about myself. They are the following:

A) I’m not smarter than a fifth grader

B) The chick who sings that Friday song has an annoying nasally voice that reminds me of Urkel’s from Family Matters

C)I’m perfectly fine with having ice cream for dinner

D)I have very little patience

Now, my patience has grown a bit since having kids, but not much. I am who I am and patience doesn’t magically come when you have children. You either have it, or you don’t.

I really don’t.

Want to know what my first reaction is when my kids won’t listen to me?

To curse. A lot. To scream, “I’ve motherfu*king had it with your behavior!”

Now, clearly that’s not appropriate. So what I’ve learned to do is take deep breaths and keep my temper in check.

“I don’t like this cart,” Natalie informed me as I started my shopping at the circus known as Wal-Mart. Where else will you spot a woman in spandex or a man with neon green hair talking to his box of Wheaties?

“You have to stay in it for awhile longer,” I explained as I quickly gathered what I needed. With kids and husbands, you have to hurry and get the shopping done. Otherwise they’ll start to whine. I’m perfected the Quick Shop.

“Blah,” Natalie responded, slumping down. She reminded me of a caged animal who has admitted defeat.

“I want a toy,” Natalie told me primly as though she expected me to bow down and go, “Of course. And you shall have one.”

Instead I went, “I want a tummy tuck and a bit of liposuction.”

“Goshhh,” Natalie sniffed. I imagine she’s going to be even more annoyed with my quips as she gets older. For instance, when she says she’d like a car, I’ll say, “I’d like my boobs lifted. You did a number on them.” Or when she’s like, “I NEED the fifty dollar shirt, everyone ELSE has one,” I’ll say, “I feel I NEED an iPad 2 but unfortunately, money doesn’t rain down on us like it does on Donald Trump.”

I was nearly done with my shopping when I spotted the blue box from the corner of my eye. I didn’t think much of it because A) I was rushing and B) Natalie was begging me for Super Mario fruit snacks and I told her no, she couldn’t have them because she had THREE other shapes of fruit snacks already and she was displaying hoarder behavior and it was making me nervous.....

Wait. The blue box looked familiar....it....it...

“Holy crap. Dunkaroos!” I shouted, interrupting Natalie’s whining. I even blogged about Dunkaroos before. Twice. I wrote how I was bummed that I couldn’t find them anymore. And there they were, at Wal-Mart.




“Dunkaroos!” I said again, rushing towards the box. A man was beside it and he did a double take when he saw a twenty-something mother rushing at him. “It is Dunkaroos. I’m not seeing things!” I grabbed the box and hugged it to me. The man took a couple steps away.

“I’m not crazy,” I told him. “It’s just, I haven’t seen these in YEARS.”

“Uh, okay,” the guy said and hurried away.

I scared him off.

But I didn’t care. I had Dunkaroos again.

I might be on peopleofwalmart.com. I’m the one in baggy jeans and oversized t-shirt hugging the box of Dunkaroos.

The Dunkaroos made the aggravating shopping trip worth it.

(And yes, I’ve eaten the entire box already. No, I did not share.)

Inside Natalie's Closet

Occasionally I’ll do a post where I’ll share an outfit in Natalie’s closet since I love to go clothes shopping for her.

This one is from Gymboree and she wore it for her birthday. I loved it. They have number shirts up to 5.

Oh, and Natalie insists that her hair be in braids these days. That’s why her hair is always the same in pictures. I try to do pigtails or just leave it down and this insults her greatly. So braids it is.




“No pictures,” Natalie informed me.

“Oh, well, okay, guess I’ll put the camera away,” I answered. I started to go inside.



“WAIT! I’ll do pictures,” Natalie said sweetly.



Have I mentioned her moods change in an instant?

Although Tom would point out that my moods can also change in an instant. He claims one minute I’m cheerful and the next I’m telling him to pick up his dirty socks or else I’ll stuff them down his throat. I don’t call that changing moods, I call that wanting to avoid dirty socks.

Anyway.

I ran into the house and got Natalie to smile:











Then she asked if she could watch Yo Gabba Gabba and I said no, because the show scares me and I can only take one episode per day.



Natalie called me rude.

She quickly got over it when she found a leaf.





I’m glad the little things amuse her. Me too. For instance, if animals make a funny noise I’ll probably laugh about it for ten minutes. Like there was a goose on the side of the road, and it suddenly honked and I found this downright hilarious.

“Say goodbye to the blog readers!” I pressed.

And she did this:

Princesses Took Over My Daughter

I’m not the best decorator in the world.

On Natalie’s birthday I went for simple. Simple is good. I like simple, especially when my husband isn’t around to help.

This was what was waiting for Natalie when she woke up on her birthday:



See that mini 4 wheeler? I found it at Wal-Mart for TWENTY bucks on clearance.





Simple works for Natalie too because she loved everything. She opened her presents and at one point I had her cover her eyes so I could bring out the big box of Disney princesses. I suppose I could have wrapped it, but it would have taken up most of the roll. So closed eyes it was...

..she opened them and...



“Disney princesses! I love them all!” Natalie shrieked.



She’s really into princess stuff these days. And yes, I know there is even a book out there about how princesses took over this woman’s daughter, or something like that, but I think the princess obsession is sweet.

Natalie even picked out a cake based on the movie Tangled (it comes out on DVD March 29th and yes, Natalie wants it.)



There was no huge party for her birthday because the thought of a bunch of three and four year olds running around was enough to make me want to burst into tears. Maybe next year. Maybe.

We did have my friend Amanda’s family over for dinner and cake.

Natalie got to open more presents:





She was like, “A Kai-Lan doll!”

Then she blew out candles and yes, the cake was delicious. No, of course I didn’t make it. The lovely people at the commissary did.



At the end of the night Natalie informed me that being four was great, much better than three.

“Now I can wear the lipsticks!” she said.

Uh.

“No lipsticks until you’re sixteen,” I explained.

Yeah, I’m sure THAT’S going to happen...

Hey, It's Okay Tuesday!

I got this idea from Glamour magazine. They have a section called Hey, It’s Okay and will list a bunch of things to be okay about. You're welcome to join in and do something like this on your diary. Doesn't have to be on a Tuesday either.

----------------------

To think Martha Stewart is a little crazy. I don’t want to make a basket out of sticks or candles out of leaves, thanks.


To not understand why the media keeps saying that Kate Middleton led a regular life. Um, her parents are millionaires. That’s not regular to me. Regular would be a middle class family who couldn’t afford to send their kids to private schools. I get she’s still a commoner but she definitely isn’t “regular” to me.


To love sucking on minty things. (Cue inappropriate joke here.)


To really enjoy Army Wives even though military life isn’t really like that. I wouldn’t be able to traipse around constantly with the general’s wife with my husband being a Staff Sergeant. I mean, I COULD, but it really wouldn’t be appropriate.


To love watching ghost shows even though they tend to freak me out.


To want to say, “Heavenly Father wants you to shut your trap and keep it in your pants,” if Bill Henrickson (from Big Love—a show about polygamists) were my husband. (And no, I haven’t seen the final season, I don’t have HBO but yes, I know what happens because I’m too impatient for the DVDs to come out next year and looked it up online..)


To love the site damnyouautocorrect.com—I almost fell out of my chair once from laughing so hard.


To not enjoy the new judges on American Idol. They need to change the show to Overly Friendly Judges or See Jennifer Lopez Cry. Although I am rooting for the dude who has both Aspergers and Tourettes.


To have finally gotten some Thin Mints on Saturday. They are almost all gone today.


To keep my nine-year-old son in a booster seat and not allow him to sit up front until he’s 13. He gets to drop the booster seat when he’s ten but it’s safer for him to be in one seeing as he’s only 52 pounds.


To really need to make a meme (that’s what it’s called, right?) for Hey, It’s Okay Tuesday. I’ll have to pay someone to do that, I suck at HTML. I’ve been known to cry and curse if I try to figure it out on my own.

It's Been A Long Four Years...

Sometime four years ago...


“Tom, she won’t stop crying. I’ve fed her, I’ve burped her, I’ve changed her, I’ve sang to her, which seemed to make her even more infuriated. I don’t know what else to do! Did we get a broken baby? I thought girls were supposed to be dainty and quiet! I’m so exhausted, I feel like I’m never going to sleep ag-ai-ai-ai-ain.” And then I burst into hysterical tears and waited for Tom to calm me down, to tell me that everything was going to be okay.

“Um,” an unfamiliar voice said. “I think you have the wrong number.”

What? I glanced down at the phone display and saw that I had indeed dialed the wrong number. It was probably because everything was starting to blur together. I don’t do well when I don’t get adequate sleep. And now I had just poured my soul to a complete stranger.

“I’m sure your baby isn’t broken,” he said before hanging up.

I sniffled and stared at Natalie, who was screeching angrily beside me. I had just given birth a few days before and all she seemed to do was cry. Tom had to go into work and my Mom had come to help at least, but my nerves were still frazzled. My first baby, Tommy, hadn’t acted like this. He was a content baby. I assumed Natalie would be content as well.

Ha.

Everything seemed to piss her off.

An adorable bunny hat?



She hated it.

Really cute pink hat?



She hated it.

Comfortable carseat complete with visually pleasing hanging toys?



She hated it.

An adorable snowsuit from Old Navy?



She hated it.

Ultra adorable headband with matching dress?



Oh yeah. She HATED it.

She hated her crib, she hated her bouncer, she hated my breasts and was mad at the right one for many months so I constantly looked lopsided, and I swear she wasn’t fond of me either. She seemed to glare at me with this look that said, “I can’t believe my life is entrusted to someone like YOU.”

I could tell when a crying fit would start. She’d get a look on her face, this, “Hey, I’m pissed off and am going to let the entire house know it,” look.





And then she’d cry. And cry. AND CRY.

How I didn’t lose my mind is beyond me. I couldn’t even have caffeine! Caffeine translated to gross milk for Natalie and she refused to breastfeed if I had any. I swear she knew how to torture me early on. It was like she was keeping a mental checklist titled Ways To Torture This Person Called Mommy: Take away caffeine (check), take away her sleep (check), constantly cry to make her head ache (check), spit up all over the place (check), wail hysterically the second she steps into the shower (check)....

Mercifully, right around the time when I was tempted to bundle Natalie and all her things up and return her to the hospital, she began to calm down.

Not all the way, mind you.

But enough so that I was able to get some sleep.

And then she turned one and everything was perfect.



I’m kidding.

She still carried on when she was pissed.

She still carries on to this day.

Natalie turned 4 on Saturday. And while she’s mellowed out a lot, she definitely knows what she likes and doesn’t like.

We’ve come a long way from those long crying jags.

I’ve got to say, she kept life interesting.

And still does.

Happy fourth birthday, Natalie.



Who still gives me looks that say, “I can’t believe my life is entrusted to someone like YOU.”

Things That Make Me go, "WTF?"

The world is a strange place. These are some of the following things that made me think, “WTF?”





This dude startled me. I was walking around the kitchen and at first thought, “Burglar on the roof!” Then I realized he was just messing with his satellite dish.







The balloon looked as though it was hovering on its own and I thought, “GHOST!” Then I realized it was just over the vent. I really shouldn’t watch all those ghost shows.







What is this THING on John Corbett’s head? He guest starred on the show Parenthood and when he walked on screen with that thing I burst out laughing. Some people are NOT hat people.







For some reason US Weekly likes to have entire articles about the girls from Teen Mom. This interview was with Corey and Leah and this bit made me go, “WTF?” I get that families are different but it’s strange to me to hear the phrase man of the house in the year 2011. If Tom ever said that he had rules, there would be issues.







Ha! Suri Cruise was spotted with penis gummies. I’m amused. I remember I had penis macaroni at one point...







What is the turtle doing to poor Snow White?!

Inside Natalie's Closet: Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Did you do anything fun? Green pancakes? Gold coins left by leprechauns?

I didn’t.

I know. Bad Mom. I figured the school would do something.

However, I did ensure that my kids wore green so they wouldn’t get pinched. Tommy went to school in a green polo.

Natalie went to school in this:





Yup. She’s wearing heels. Like Suri Cruise. Only Natalie’s are plastic and not $2000. (She did not go to school with the plastic heels.)

The shirt is Gymboree, the skirt is from Gap. Heels from Toys R Us, headband from the dollar spot at Target.

At first she wasn’t keen on taking pictures. She ignored me.



Then I got her to turn around and she was trying hard to act mad.



“I’m not taking anymore pictures today,” she informed me.

Two seconds later she was like, “Guess what? I WILL take pictures!” Her moods change so quickly.





She rushed over and was like, “I’m here!”



Then she asked if I was going to run into the side of the house to get her to smile.

“Not today. How about we smile just because we want to? You have to practice. School pictures are Monday and you can’t very well ask the photographer to run into a wall,” I explained.



Natalie is like, “Um. This is not computing…so this means no running into the side of the house to get me to smile?”

“Show me how you’re going to smile for the photographer!” I urged.



Um.

“Natalie, you have to open your eyes.”



“Er....while it’s awesome to have fun, when it’s time for school pictures you need to just smile.”



“Yes, like that.”



She started to dance to beat of her own drum.

And then she started to smile on her own. I mean, yes, I might have had to make farting noises but still....







Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Celebrate with a Shamrock Shake from McDonalds. Or if green milkshakes aren’t your thing, go with chocolate. You can never go wrong with chocolate.