Target Opponents

“No swim lessons tomorrow,” Natalie’s teacher told me on Wednesday.

My heart immediately lifted. This meant I could shop the 75% off Target toy sale on Thursday. I had been worried that I’d miss all the deals since Natalie has lessons in the morning.

Now they were cancelled.

Only...

Wait.

Why were they cancelled? Maybe all the teachers knew about the sale. Maybe they wanted to take all the toys. WHAT IF THEY TOOK ALL THE TOYS?

Okay.

Calm down.

If they take all the toys it doesn’t matt—

“Mommy?” Natalie tugged on my shirt. “Can we go?”

Oh. Right. Focus. I tend to go off into JD-from-Scrubs daydreams several times throughout the day.

I know, it’s silly to look forward to a sale. But 75% off toys is a fabulous deal. You can get stuff for birthdays. For Christmas. For bribes. Not that I bribe. (Okay, once in awhile. But it’s for GOOD things. Like good grades. Or…I once told Natalie, “If you stop crapping in your pants, you can have this creepy Yo Gabba Gabba doll.” And hey, it worked.)

I wasn’t even sure if I’d find any deals. I found them all the time at the Target in Wyoming, where I used to live.

But what if the Target in Oklahoma didn’t have any deals?

I couldn’t ask the workers. Most of them act as though you’re stupid if you mention a 75% off sale. I’m sure it’s in their training “don’t tell the customer if things are being marked down further. We’re here to make money people” but still, don’t blink at me and say things like, “Oh, toys never go that cheap.”

I hated the fact that I had to bring the kids, too. But I had no childcare. So they’d have to come along.

On Thursday morning we left the house around 9. A lot of people who shop this sale are at the Target doors at 8, when they open. I am not like this. I like my sleep.

So we get to Target and I get out of the car and start scanning the parking lot for people walking out with huge bags of toys. I saw a woman with a full cart and my heart dropped. She took everything. I’m too late. I’m—oh, wait, it was just filled with toilet paper. Phew.

“Mommy?” Natalie called. “Mommy?”

Crap! I left my kid. She was standing on the sidewalk, blinking at me as I walked away.

Parenting fail.

But really, why was she just STANDING there when we had a sale to get to? Sometimes I don’t understand her.

I went back and scooped her up.

“I want to walk,” Natalie said, struggling free. “I WANT TO WALK!”

My ears started to ring. Now I was partially deaf. But no matter, I didn’t need to hear in order to get great deals.

Natalie walked slowly. Then she’d stop for a few seconds, twirl around, and start walking again.

She knew she was bugging me.

She loves to bug me.

Ten minutes later we made it inside. I put her in a cage (re: the cart) and started heading for the toy section.

I saw the most beautiful site.

A Target worker was marking down all the toys 75% off.

And then I saw a horrifying site.

A woman was already there. With two carts filled with toys. (No, not Natalie’s swim teacher.)

TWO CARTS!

Still. I had to see if anything was left.

And lucky for me, there was. I mean, yes, Two Cart Lady took all the Transformers. And all the Princess stuff.

Apparently I’m cursed on having a Target Toy Sale opponent. In Wyoming, it was Old Lady Hog.

In Oklahoma, it’s Two Cart Lady.

See, I love a deal, but I never take ALL of everything. It’s common courtesy.

This lady, I suppose, didn’t get the memo.

Oh, well.

I managed to find this:




The Vtech laptop was $29.99. I got it for $7.48

The Cars 2 set was $39.99. I got it for $9.98

I only got that set because it fell out of Two Cart Lady’s cart and she didn’t notice. She kept walking towards the checkout and Natalie was like, “It’s the Cars movie. Hi, Lightening McQueen.”

So I scooped that baby right up.

Sadly, Two Cart Lady took all the Cars 2 Lego sets, the kind Tommy likes to build.

Next year, I’ll get to Target a little earlier and see if I can beat Two Cart Lady.

If I’m tired, well, there is a Starbucks in the Target.

So I’m all set.

Diving Boards

I could tell you were scared.

When you raised your hand and said you’d jump off the diving board, I’m not sure you really thought things through.

Your teacher helped you out of the pool with a few other classmates that decided to brave the diving board. Most of the class, I noticed, stayed behind. The diving board, after all, was in the Deep End. You followed dutifully behind your class to the diving board and got in line.

One of your classmates went first. She marched across the diving board as if she owned it and leaped into the water where your teacher caught her. You were taking this all in, staring intently at your teacher to make sure that yes, she’d catch you.

Another classmate went next. This one was nervous, a small girl who walked across the diving board and paused at the very end. She looked down, swallowed, and backed up as though she had just spotted a monster.

It was at this moment when you let two of your classmates go ahead of you. I think you spotted the hesitation in someone else and that began to doubt your choice.

That nervous classmate climbed off the diving board and got behind you.

“Was it scary?” you asked her.

“Yes,” she answered. “But I’m going to try again.”

I watched you take a deep breath. It was then I knew that you would do it. I could see the determination on your face.

Finally, it was your turn. You climbed up the stairs, gripping the rails. You shuffled across the diving board. It was like a string had been tied around your ankles. Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle.



And then you were at the end.

You swallowed.

You scratched your leg.

You decided to sit down.

“No, Natalie,” your teacher said kindly as she waited below. “You have to jump.”

I’m not sure if you suddenly decided the end of a diving board was a fantastic place to play tea or what.

You stood up and took another deep breath. You bent your knees.

You did it.



The teacher asked if you wanted to go again. I thought you might say no. But you said yes.

This time, you were ready.

And you walked across the diving board....




...as if you owned it.

CoverMates Help! Review and Giveaway**CLOSED

**CLOSED--winner was posted here***






Messy microwaves.

We’ve all experienced them.

Or maybe I’ve just experienced them because sometimes I’m too lazy to clean mine out.

Or sometimes Tom has decided to re-heat chili and not put something over it to prevent the splatters and I’m like, “You know what? I’m tired of cleaning up after everyone else.”

Want to know a good way to prevent messy microwaves?






These! They’re called CoverMates. A lovely representative from Rosica Public Relations sent them to me so I could review them. They come in three different sizes: medium, large, and extra large.




No, they aren’t a hat. Sorry, Natalie.

See, my problem is I have a lot of plastic containers but I’m always losing the lids to them. Where do all the lids go? I’m not sure. Probably where all the missing socks end up. It’s like a mystery.

Anyway.

These CoverMates work perfectly as a lid.





Before I had been covering the containers with foil and that didn’t always work well. I’m awful with judging how much foil I’d need so I’d waste so much.

With the CoverMates, I no longer have to waste foil. I just pull one out, flip it over the lid and wa-lah!

CoverMates also boasted that they fit every shape. To test it out, I grabbed my large plastic container and yup:




They fit!

Other uses for CoverMates? Covering containers outdoors during a picnic. I hate when insects land on my food. These will prevent the annoying bugs from messing with your meal. My bag also contained a can cover so I use these to put over my soda cans. I always worry a bee will fly in there and I’ll drink it…..(Ew…)

This information is from the back of the container about the CoverMates:


--Heavy Duty Clear Wrap: keeps food fresh, easy-to-see contents

--Corner Vent: Allows Steam to escape when used in microwave

--Build-In Corners: Corners expand to fit rectangular dishware

--Heat Sealed Edge: Eliminates sewing and thread so it’s reusable and dishwasher safe


Yes, that’s right. The CoverMates are even dishwasher safe so you can reuse them again and again.

CoverMates are also BPA and PVA free!

Do you want some CoverMates of your own?

A lucky reader will win a bag that contains 11 covers!






Giveaway Rules

--Must be 18 or older

--Must reside in the US (sorry!)


Mandatory Entry: How would you use CoverMates if you won them?

Extra Entries:

Follow CoverMates on Facebook

Follow CoverMates on Twitter



Please leave a separate comment for each entry and make sure your e-mail address is linked to your blog. If not, please leave it in your comment so I can contact you if you win.

I will pick a winner a week from today on August 3rd.

Good luck!

Uprinting.com Flyer Winner

I did a giveaway for 250 flyers from Uprinting.com here.

I used random.org to pick a number and it came up with 15 which was Kablooey.

Congrats!!

Enjoy your flyers.

If you didn’t win, try again. I’ll have many more giveaways. In fact, I'm starting another one today.

Hey, It's Okay Tuesday!

I got this idea from Glamour magazine. They have a section called Hey, It’s Okay and will list a bunch of things to be okay about. You're welcome to join in and do something like this on your diary. Doesn't have to be on a Tuesday either.

----------------------

To sing, “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” by The Rolling Stones when my kids start to whine about wanting all sorts of things. This bugs them greatly.


To be disturbed over the new show on Lifetime called Dance Moms.


To hope Logan’s Roadhouse is good. I’m trying it out for the first time this week.


To think it’s ridiculous that Kim Kardashian is suing Old Navy for that commercial they aired with her lookalike in it. She claims they used her brand without asking. Or something like that. Apparently you can’t look like Kim or else it’s using her brand.


To be saddened that Amy Winehouse died but wish more people would focus on what happened in Norway. What happened to them is worse. And yes, there are military troops who die daily who unfortunately won’t get the same recognition.


To love that the new Target I shop at has a Starbucks in it. Even though I don’t drink coffee, I still love the smell. And the non-coffee beverages. Oh, and muffins.


To really hate cooking dinner every night. I’m always like, “Ugh, what should I make today?”


To appreciate all the comments in the My New Home post. It is the nicest base housing I’ve been in. It probably helps that it’s privatized, meaning a company runs it, not the base.


To hope Natalie likes her first gymnastics class. She starts Monday. I figured since she likes jumping and rolling all over the floor, why not do it in a class.

I Hate Mowers

“You weren’t supposed to put the entire bottle of oil in the mower,” Tom said as he chomped on some M&Ms while we talked on Skype.

I took some deep breaths. My patience was thin. I had been outside for an hour trying to get the mower to work. In 100 degree temperatures. I smelled like sweat mixed with gas. The liquid gas, not the ass gas. “Tom,” I said, teeth clenched. “You didn’t TELL me that.”

All he told me was to get oil and gas for the mower. The oil was baffling enough because I had all these choices:




And then when it came time to get the gas, I overfilled the container so gas spilled all over my favorite flip flops. So then I grabbed the squeegee thing that people use to wash their windows and started washing off my flip flops and this guy pulled up behind me and was like, “Uh, that’s not what that’s meant for.” As though he thought the main reason I came to the gas station was to wash off my flip flops with a dirty squeegee.

“Is this enough gas for a mower?” I asked, ignoring his comment completely. I held up the container.

“Yeah,” the guy answered. He was still looking at me as though I were wearing my bra on my head. He probably updated his Facebook with, “Saw some chick washing her shoes at the gas station.”

Then it came time to put the oil and gas in the mower. I unscrewed each of the caps. I didn’t know how much gas was supposed to go in. I just filled it until I could see the gas. Same with the oil. It wasn’t spilling out of the mower, therefore I thought I could put the entire bottle in.

But no.

I guess not.

Because mowers are bitches.

“You were supposed to put enough oil in until you could see it on the dipstick,” Tom said. His teeth were colored thanks to the M&Ms.

“It should say that on the side of the mower,” I answered.

“Most people know that already,” Tom pointed out. “Did you remember to prime the mower? Maybe that’s why it won’t work.”

“Don’t patronize me, Tom. I know how to prime a mower,” I replied. I mean, okay, I had forgot in the past. But I’m older and wiser now. Sort of.

“You’ll have to drain the oil then,” Tom said as though it were the easiest thing in the world.

“I’ll do no such thing.” I lifted my chin. “You can deal with it when you get home.”

Tom comes home next month from Korea. I’ll be like, “Welcome home…..the backyard looks like a jungle! Yay!”

“You have to take care of the yard,” Tom said firmly. “Or else you’ll get a citation and I sort of want a house to come home to.”

Since we’re in base housing, we can get citations if our yard doesn’t look nice. If you get some many citations, you can get kicked out.

“Well, I’m not draining the oil,” I said stubbornly. “You told me to put oil in the thing, I did, and therefore it should work.”

“You don’t put an entire thing of oil in a mower.”

If I were there, I’d have tossed a handful of M&Ms at his smug face.
“But,” Tom continued. “If you don’t want to fix the mower, I’ll just buy a new one. A self propelled one.”

Ugh. He’s been obsessed with self propelled mowers forever. I made him get a regular one because it was cheaper. His precious self propelled one was an extra hundred bucks.

“No. You can drain the oil when you get back,” I said firmly.

“It might be too late. The mower might be a goner.” Tom said this a little too hopefully. He probably was already picturing his brand new self propelled mower. He’d probably name it Prop. (Oh wait, that’s me. I name inanimate objects, Tom does not.)

Tom might be right about the mower being a goner though.

I’ll try to figure it out.

If all else fails, I could always kick it and hope it comes back to life. Don’t things work like that in Jackie Chan movies?

Soldier Cards by SemperWifey Review

In this digital age, I still prefer a handwritten letter.

In fact, I handwrite thank you cards. I don’t shoot off a text, I don’t e-mail…..no, I sit down and write a proper thank you letter.

This means that I love stationary. I have many different kinds: flowery, glittery, pink, purple...

And now, soldier.




Aren’t these cute?

I got them from SemperWifey. She has a fabulous Etsy shop where she sells these cards for a great deal. You can get a set of 8 for $12 or you can just get individual cards at $2.50 each.

Even better? If you use the code SEMPER15 you get 15% off PLUS free shipping. The coupon expires August 1st.

I was really impressed with the cards. They aren’t thin and flimsy and the picture on the front looks crisp and not grainy. I plan on using one of the cards to write to Tom and I imagine he’ll appreciate the soldier stationary to the flowery ones I have been using.

So if you want to surprise someone with a handwritten letter, head over to SemperWifey’s Esty shop and get started! (And yes, she even has a blog.)


Do you still write handwritten letters?

Our New Home

Oh hi!



Welcome to our new home.

Yes, those are plants in my front yard. I did not put them there. Housing did and they expect me to keep everything alive.

Don’t worry about the plants. I’ll take care of them.

No, really, I will.

At least, I’ll try to.

Come inside. You don’t even have to take off your shoes.

Have a seat on our brand new couches.



They’re chocolate colored. Seriously, that was the name of the color so I knew I had to have them.

And also, dark brown covers stains that children (and messy adults) make.

Are you thirsty? I would be too. The weather we’re experiencing is the worst. Come down the hall into the kitchen.



What would you like a drink? I have water, Diet Coke, milk, and…well, that’s it. I drank all the sweet tea. Sorry.



The kitchen is nice, right? I hope I don’t mess it up. Want to see my favorite part of the kitchen?



The fridge with the water and ice maker. I’ve never had base housing come with a fancy fridge like that before. It’s probably sad that I consider a fridge that makes water and ice “fancy”, but there you go.

Would you like to sit down and chat? Come into the dining room.



Let’s discuss Brendan and Rachel on Big Brother. Do you wonder how Brendan puts up with her? Do you wonder if Brendan’s family is like, “Really, Brendan? This is the woman you want to marry?” Do you wonder if Brendan ever feels the urge to stuff a sock in her mouth so he won’t have to hear her annoying laugh?

Oh, you have to go to the bathroom? Go ahead.



Yes, that is a Titanic picture up there. I’m not just obsessed with the movie, I love all things Titanic. Yes, I realize that’s strange. Yes, I even want to go on the Titanic Cruise even though people tell me it’s morbid. I think cruises have their lifeboat issues worked out by now though.



Yes, that is my laundry room/cat room. Don’t go in there. Max the cat just took a dump and he’s not good about covering his treasures.

You want to see my garage? Err…okay, but it’s a mess.



Don’t say I didn’t warn you. I know. I have a lot of stuff in there. I’ll get it organized.

In the year 2012.

Let’s go upstairs.



I know, the stairs seem to go on forever. Try carrying a wooden nightstand up these stairs. Twice. With your mother. And getting the giggles halfway up.



Here’s Tommy’s room. Oh, careful, you almost stepped on a Transformer. Those things hurt when you step on them. I once had Bumblebee’s head wedged in the middle of my foot. I thought he was supposed to be the good guy.



This is Natalie’s room. Yes, she rearranged the word above her bed. It’s supposed to say Dream. I swear I can spell.



Here’s Natalie’s closet. Yes, those are all her shoes down there. And that’s not even all of them. Is it sad that she has more shoes than I do?



You need to use the bathroom again? Go ahead. This is the children’s bathroom and I just cleaned it so you won’t have to worry about a scary toilet. I do have a boy, after all.

This is my room. Pardon the mess.





I got the bedding from Kohls. I think it was 60% off. I know! Great deal. Doesn’t Kohls rock? Oh, that box beside the bed? It’s full of Tom’s stuff. That’s his side of the bed. He gets to go through it when he gets back.

And this is our bathroom.



Want to see the walk in closet I blogged about before?



I know, it’s not as big as I would have liked but it will do.

Yes, some of my clothes are hanging on Tom’s side. I ran out of room. He doesn’t realize this since he’s in Korea. He probably won’t like it.

So that’s our new home.

Now that you’ve seen it, how about we go out to Steak N Shake? It’s one of my new favorite places. They have the best Diet Cherry Cokes and afterwards, we can share a triple chocolate milkshake.

Sound good?

(Actually, we’ll probably have to get our own milkshake. I’m a bit of a milkshake hog according to Tom.)

American Idol Came To Oklahoma

The first thing I noticed was all the cars.

Where did all these cars come from?

Why were they all here?

I checked the time. A little after noon. Crap. Lunchtime.

Still.

Why was the BX parking lot so full? Weren’t we in a recession? How could all these people afford to eat in the food court? Did no one eat at home anymore? Or in their office?

I circled the parking lot again. There weren’t even spots in the back.

Then I got dramatic.

“Who are all these people?” I boomed.

I knew this base was busier than the last one I was at. But still. To have no parking spots in the very back was ridiculous.

I eventually found a spot in the commissary section. In the very back.

“It’s too hot to walk,” Natalie grumbled as I unbuckled her. “It’s too hot to walk TODAY!”

Well, technically, it’s been too hot to walk any day. Oklahoma has been over 100 degrees for nearly 30 days now.

We hurried over to the BX, walked inside and...almost collided with a bunch of people. There was a line snaked around the BX. In the entrance I could see something set up and a bunch of cameras going off every few seconds.

“Must be someone like Burt Reynolds,” I mumbled. I stood on my tip toes to try and get a better look. Maybe it was cast members from The Office. Or…or…The Tudors. Why they’d be on a military base is beyond me but I wouldn’t question their motives.

“American Idol,” Tommy said behind me.

“You want to go on American Idol? I think you’re too young,” I said, distracted. I was still trying to figure out what was going on.

“No. It’s American Idol.” Tommy pointed to the front and I noticed the American Idol sign followed by Meet the American Idols. Or the Top 10 American Idols. Something like that.

My heart sank.

“Oh.” Then it lifted. Maybe Simon Cowell was here! I love Simon Cowell even though he’d totally make me cry. Then my heart sank again. Simon no longer judged the show. Damn.

We were able to squeeze into the BX but seriously, there were people everywhere. Some lady screamed in my ear. Over American Idol contestants. A tween’s elbow went into my cheek as she lifted her cell phone to take a picture. Someone else smelled like BO.

“It’s like New York in here,” Tommy said, awestruck. He gazed around the room in astonishment. He’s never been to New York but he’s seen a lot of movies about it.

“I don’t like it,” Natalie grumbled.

I didn’t either. I would have just turned around and come back the next day. But I needed lawn mower oil. I had to mow our backyard. Tom was supposed to do it before he went back to Korea but the movers didn’t get the mower to us in time. So that left me to deal with it. And because Tom had to drain all the gas and oil, that also left me trying to figure it all out.

Have I mentioned I don’t do well with machinery?

And it didn’t help that Tom was just like, “Just put the oil where the mower says oil and put the gas where it says gas.”

It’s really not that simple.

For one, these were my choices of lawn mower oil:




Which one did I need? The 2 or 4 cycle? Tom didn’t specify. He just said “oil.” And I couldn’t exactly call and ask him which one I needed.

“Shit,” I mumbled. I stared at the oil as if hoping one of them would be like, “I’m the one you need!”

I picked up a bottle and pretended I knew what I was doing. Maybe one of the American Idol people knew.

I ended up with the 4 cycle oil because it said for lawn mowers on the front. Is that right? I haven’t even tried it yet because it’s been too hot.

Really, TOM SHOULD HAVE SPECIFIED.

Then I had to go back to the mayhem and buy the oil. The crowd was still crazy. Out of sheer curiosity, I took a picture of the American Idol people.



I have no clue who they are. James Durbin is the one with the beard, I think. But I don’t follow the show.

I’d have preferred the cast of The Office.

Uprinting.com Flyer Giveaway **CLOSED

**CLOSED!! Winner announced here**

I loved sending birth announcements out with the kids were born.

And I love when I get a cool looking invitation to a party.

I especially loved this design:




It makes me want ice cream.

Curious on where it came from? Uprinting.com! Uprinting.com is a fantastic website where you can design everything from business cards to flyers to stickers....





I thought the nightclub flyers were really catchy and was amazed by all the nightclub templates they had. Mind you, it’s been ages since I’ve been to a nightclub but if I got an invitation like the ones above, I’d be curious to check it out.

And great news. Uprinting.com is giving away 250 flyers to a lucky reader. They come in thick 14 pt. glossy card stock and you can choose between two sizes: 4.25”x 5.5” or 4” x 6.” There are so many ideas for the flyers….have an address change? A birth announcement? A birthday party? Want to announce your blog? The possibilities are endless!


(More details: 14pt Cardstock Gloss, Front Only Printing nightclub flyer templates and business flyer templates also available for download 3 Business Days Turnaround, Free Shipping)


Giveaway Rules

--Must be 18 years or older

--Must live in the US

--If your e-mail address isn’t linked to your blog, please leave it in your comment so I can contact you if you win.


Mandatory Entry: Please let me know if you won the flyers, what kind would you create?


Contest will run for a week. I will announce the winner Wednesday, July 27th.

Good luck!




Disclaimer: This giveaway is sponsored by UPrinting.com, no monetary compensation was given and I will receive night club flyers for hosting. For more information about flyers, please visit Uprinting.com

Hey, It's Okay Tuesday!

I got this idea from Glamour magazine. They have a section called Hey, It’s Okay and will list a bunch of things to be okay about. You're welcome to join in and do something like this on your diary. Doesn't have to be on a Tuesday either.

----------------------


To have not really been surprised that JLo is divorcing Marc Anthony. Hasn’t she been married quite a bit? I think she was only with that bald dancer for like 5 months.


To take scalding hot showers. I love them.


To not be planning on seeing the newest Harry Potter movies. I only watched the first 3 and left it at that.


To have downloaded the soundtrack to Wicked on iTunes. Tommy doesn’t like it. He’s all, “What are these women singing about now?”


To be all caught up with Big Brother. What are Brendan and Rachel doing back? And where are Brendan’s balls? (He pouts a lot.)


To promise to post pictures of the new house this week. I didn’t forget, I swear! Just don’t mind the messes.


To not care how dirty those playplaces in fast food restaurants are. They give me a few minutes of peace. The kids can get all germy and I can check Facebook.


To have just ordered the new Jennifer Weiner book on Amazon. It’s called Then Came You.


To bust out laughing when I see a photo of a woman carrying a purse as big as she is. This reminds me of the circus for some reason.


To hate how I still can't see my followers. It's just a blank box for me. And it's the same on other blogs so I can't follow them back. I'm not being rude, I swear. I just can't see the follower boxes. Is there a way to fix this?

Bag Lady

“I’m done carrying this,” Natalie explained. She dropped her pink backpack at my feet. It didn’t occur to her that I would refuse to help her out.

The problem was I already was struggling with my own backpack, a suitcase, a carry on bag and my purse. Traveling without Tom is not always easy. If he were there I’d have handed him Natalie’s backpack. He’s a soldier and is used to walking many miles with heavy crap on his back.

“Natalie, you’ll have to carry it,” I insisted. “I can’t.”

Natalie scowled. She crossed her arms over her chest. It always amazes me how she can go from sweet to sour in seconds.

“Come on, Natalie,” I tried again. “Do you want your mother to look like a bag lady?” I probably looked frightening. I could feel my hair standing up on the top of my head. I could feel wetness on my neck. Oh my God, I was bleeding. The backpack must’ve been digging so much in my skin and—

Oh wait, it was just sweat. I stared at the glassy film on my fingertips that I had just swiped across my neck. Gross.

“I’m already sweating like crazy,” I said.

Natalie was unmoved. She just plopped on the floor, waiting her snack. I had picked up donuts at Dunkin Donuts—I always do this when we fly out of San Antonio.

“Is Natalie in trouble?” Tommy asked. Tommy! I could ask HIM to carry Natalie’s backpack. But…well, it’s not that my son is weak or anything. It’s…okay, he’s a little on the weak side. He already had his backpack, plus his own suitcase. If I handed him Natalie’s backpack he could topple over. He’s one of those tall and skinny types even though he tries like mad to build muscle (I try to explain that lifting my 3 lb weights for only two seconds won’t do much but he doesn’t believe me.)

“She’s not in trouble but she’s wearing on my patience,” I replied, settling down beside her. I opened the Dunkin Donuts bag and breathed in the deliciousness. Is there nothing better than fresh donuts? We washed our hands and then I handed the kids their chocolate donuts and pulled out my Boston Cream. I love Boston Cream donuts. Plus I bought some iced hot chocolate to wash it all down. I took a bite of my donut and…some of the custard spit out from the other side and landed on my pants.

Great.

So not only did I look like a disheveled mess, I also was a disheveled mess who was a slob.

“You’re messy,” Tommy said cheerfully. He should talk. He had a ring of chocolate icing around his mouth.

“I’m done,” Natalie said, pushing her donut away. She eats like a bird. She’ll take a few bites and then insists she’s finished.

“That’s a perfectly good donut right there,” I reminded her.

“I’m,” Natalie said firmly, “DONE.”

Well, excuse me.

I ate the rest of her donut because hello, wasting Dunkin Donuts is a sin.

We were riding on Southwest so we had to line up soon after. I tried to put Natalie’s backpack on her but she wiggled free. So I was left carrying it. I slung it over my arm and acted as though I weren’t about to keel over at any second.

“If I start to tip over, push me back upright,” I whispered to Tommy.

And Natalie. Well, she was just happily dancing in place. It must be nice to dance in place and not have to worry about holding anything.

Luckily the kids behaved on our flight from Texas to Oklahoma.

And then we were home.

Where it’s been over 100 degrees for 20 days or something like that.

Hotter than TEXAS, people.

Anyway, that’s all the traveling I plan to do for awhile.

And now I’m ready for school to start.

Guest Post: Most Annoying Office Habits by Lisa Lim

Yup, I love a good book.

So when Lisa Lim contacted me asking if I'd let her guest post to help promote her new book, I gladly agreed. I'll support any author who needs it.

See, Lisa writes chick lit just like I do so this made me even more excited. Her book, Confessions of a Call Center Girl, sounded hilarious and as you'll see, her guest post is equally amusing.

So without further ado...

Here's Lisa!



Most Annoying Office Habits


A colleague of mine (let’s call her Janet) clips her fingernails at work. I’ll be conversing with a customer, and in the background I’ll hear the maddening Clip Clip Clip Clip sounds resonating in my ears, sounding very much like Japanese water torture.

Then Janet will sand her nails with vigor, causing a plume of nail dust to settle on my desk. Next she’ll whip out ten bottles of nail polish and perform a mani and pedi, and thus fumigating the entire office.

I personally would never floss, pick my nose, use Q-tips, pop my blackheads or shave my pits at work. That is why it is called personal hygiene.


Care to share your office gripes? Or are you guilty of perpetrating these crimes?




***To quote Moliere ~ “Writing is like prostitution. First you do it for love, and then for a few close friends, and then for money.” So ehrmm . . . *COUGH*. . . if you’d like to check out the works of this whore, my chick lit novel: Confessions of a Call Center Gal (it’s Bridget Jones meets The Office) is available on paperback and Kindle on Amazon (check it out here), and Barnes and Noble (check it out here)




***Book disclosures ~If you find politically incorrect shows like The Office and Chelsea Lately detestable, childish and offensive, then this book is probably NOT for you.

The D Word E-Copy Winner!

So awhile back Liz and Lisa did a guest post on 5 Things They Are Doing When They Aren't Writing.

Liz and Lisa, if you didn't know, wrote a book called The D Word.

They also offered a free e-copy of their book to one lucky winner.

I used random.org to pick a number and it came up with...number 4

Number 4 is Melissa!

Congrats!

My Dear Letters

Guess what?

I fly home tomorrow!

This means I can get caught up with Big Brother. My parents refuse to watch such nonsense and Dad even said when a commercial came on for it, "You don't really watch that, do you?" Yes, Dad, sorry. Your daughter likes watching grown adults behave like hooligans.

I don't have much else to write about so I'll do My Dear Letters. These are letters I wish I could send.

---------
Dear Oklahoma,

Stop being so hot. Are you trying to show off? If so, you made your point. 15 days of being over 100 degrees? That's enough.

Signed,
A-Rather-Not-Sweat-All-Over,
Amber


-----------

Dear Toddlers and Tiaras,

You still frighten me. Little girls should not know how to move better than I can.

Signed,
A-Slightly-Traumatized,
Amber

----------

Dear One Day book,

I did not like your ending. Please change into something cheerful.

Signed,
A-Doesn't-Like-Crying-While-Reading,
Amber

PS--Please let the movie be as good as the book.


----------

Dear Hugh Hefner,

I'm glad you're not dead.

Signed,
A-Doesn't-Like-Hoaxes,
Amber

----------

Dear Vaguebookers,

Stop posting things like, "I'm so sad," on your Facebook unless you plan on explaining WHY you are so sad. I'm nosy and want to know what's going on. Don't tease.

Signed,
An-incredibly-nosy,
Amber

----------

Dear Airplane That I'm Flying On Tomorrow,

Please get us to Oklahoma safely. No turbulance. And no annoying people seated around us, ie, the people who like to lean their seats all the way back. Natalie would poke their eyes out if they dared.

Signed,
A-Personal-Space-Applies-On-Planes-Too,
Amber

--------

Dear Melting Pot,

Why do you have to be so good? I pigged out when I ate with my mom there today. But how can I stop myself when the desserts look like this:



Seriously.

If there is a Melting Pot near you, go. If anything, just get the dessert.

Signed,
A-I'd-Be-Happy-If-The-Melting-Pot-Wanted-To-Pay-Me-In-Free-Food-To-Review-Them,
Amber

No Nap For You

"Mommy. Mommy."

When I didn't respond she stretched my name out.

"Mom-meeeeeeee." I felt something poke my neck.

I cracked open one eye. Natalie was pressing the corner of her book at me. She grinned and went, "Hi," as though I hadn't been sleeping at all.

"Mommy is resting," I said, rubbing my neck. We were driving back from the beach. It's a three hour drive back to my parent's house so I thought I could get some shut eye after I handed Natalie the DVD player with Toy Story in it. This entertained her for all of ten minutes.

"Mommy, I'm thirsty," Natalie told me seriously. She smacked her lips for emphasis even though she had water at her side.

"It's there," I nodded my head at her sippy cup. I closed my eyes.

"Mommy?"

Oh for--watch Toy Story! This is what I wanted to say but I swallowed it back. We were riding in a van and I was sitting beside Natalie.

"Yes?" My eyes were open again.

"Mommy, I just...I just..." Natalie wiggled in her carseat. Clearly she didn't remember what she needed from me. "I need Rapunzel."

I dug through her backpack and produced her mini Rapunzel doll.

"There," I said. I leaned my head back. Natalie said nothing for a bit so I started to drift off, to the beautiful world of naptime, a world that I don't get to visit very often....

"Oh no! Buzz," Natalie said. I felt her tapping my arm. "Buzz is brokens. Buzz is brokens, Mommy, and I can't help him."

I sighed as I peered at the DVD player. Sure enough Buzz was on the ground and his arm was snapped off.

"He'll be fine. Rememeber it all ends happy, lalala," I assured her.

Silence again.

Off to napworld.

"Mommy, what are you doing?" Natalie asked. She hasn't napped since she was two so she probably had no idea. She suddenly gave naps up firmly telling me, "No more," one day and marching from her room.

Yes, I wanted to cry.

"I'm napping. Watch your DVD. That's quality entertainment right there," I promised.

"I want to watch Barbie," Natalie said.

I flipped through her book of DVDs and switched Toy Story out for a Barbie movie.

"Why is Barbie in a dress? What is Barbie doing?" Natalie said, frowning at the screen.

Ironically, Barbie was trying to nap.

"If I could just sleep," I practically begged. If my parents weren't up front I'd have told her to knock it off. But then she'd scream and I didn't think my parents wanted to hear it. I didn't want to hear it.

I shut my eyes. A few minutes later something landed in my lap. Mini Rapunzel.

"She wants to be with you," Natalie told me grandly as though I should be thankful.

Did I get a nap in the end?

No.

No, I did not.

Did I have to endure watching some annoying Barbie movie because Natalie claimed Barbie wanted me to watch her?

Yes.

Yes, I did.

Hey, It's Okay Tuesday!

I got this idea from Glamour magazine. They have a section called Hey, It’s Okay and will list a bunch of things to be okay about. You're welcome to join in and do something like this on your diary. Doesn't have to be on a Tuesday either.

----------------------

To have seen Bridesmaids for the second time. It really is hilarious.


To have freaked out when a seagull buzzed the top of my head when I was making smores on the beach.


To want to see One Day since it's based off the book I'm currently reading. Anne Hathaway is in it so it should be good.


To have eaten 4 smores, the most out of everyone at the family reunion.


To not really like getting too wet at the beach. It's the salt water, I think. I'll stick my feet in but that's about all I prefer to do. Unless one of the kids takes off.


To have been shocked at the huge glass my pina colada was served in at On The Border. Yes. I drank it all.


To be really annoyed that Casey Anthony will walk free after what she did to her daughter.


To know that I will never order a drink with wheatgrass blended in it. Ew.


To love reading on the beach. Unfortunately I can't really do this with kids. Tommy would be fine but Natalie is daring and she'd probably walk out far into the ocean to see what would happen :/


To be tempted to go to Medieval Times for my 30th birthday. I love that kind of thing. Huzzah!

Thump and Beach

I heard a thump.

At least I thought it was a thump.

Maybe I didn't hear a thing--

Wait.

That was definately a thump.

I forced myself to crack open an eye. It was the dead of night and I had to be brave. If an intruder was about to attack us all, I ought to do something about it. I took a Tae Bo class, I'd do some of those moves and--oh wait, I didn't actually do Tae Bo, did I? I watched it being done on TV, tried to copy the moves and then got bored and wandered into the kitchen to get some chocolate.

Still.

I heard shuffling noises next and immediately thought aliens. How do you fend off aliens? I suppose I could wack them over the head with the fan.

I opened one eye and freaked out. Where was I? This wasn't my room! Aliens have taken me somewhere and..

...wait...wait...

Oh. Right. I was at the beach. In a condo. It was okay.

So what was that noise? Some bizarre ocean creature with six heads?

I turned to my side and..

SWEET JESUS!

A pair of eyes stared back at me.

"Mommy?"

AND IT WAS CALLING ME MOMMY!

"Mommy?"

Oh. It was Natalie. Standing right next to me. She must have wandered over from her bed. That explained the thump. And shuffling.

"Yes?" I sat up. I was still on guard, just in case.

"I'm scared. This room scares me," Natalie said primly.

Well, that made two of us.

Oh, nothing is wrong with the room. It's just frightening in the dark.

"Everything is okay," I promised. "We're at the beach. Let's be quiet and see if we can hear the waves crash."

We were silent.

And heard nothing except for the fan in my room.

Oh well.

"We can imagine the waves crashing," I said. "We're at a beautiful beach in this beautiful by day room..."

"I'm done now," Natalie said and went back to her bed.

I guess I bored her.

But yes. We are at the beach until Tuesday. And then I return home to Oklahoma on Thursday.

Where hopefully things are less scary.

What Bugs You?

Things bug me.

I can't help it. I wish I could only see rainbows and flowers like Pollyanna but it's just not so. I've become crankier with age.

Here are some things that bug me:


--No turn signals while driving. I’m mentioned this many times in my blog and some people have commented saying they know people who do this. Do me a favor: tell those people to stop being lazy and to flick their damn wrists so other drivers know their intentions. Mmmkay?



--People who are constantly late with no explanation. I understand things come up. I have two kids, one of which likes to suddenly go limp or lock herself in the bathroom (coughs, Natalie.) But I’m polite and let the person know about it. Some people just breeze in and are like, “Am I late? Haha.” Not haha. Rude.



--People who complain that others “spoiled” a show for them on Facebook or Twitter. Here’s an idea: stay off those sites until you’ve watched the show.



--When people constantly use ur for your online. I cringe. I can't help it. I post on Facebook and Twitter a lot on my phone and I REFUSE to use ur. I can understand once in awhile but all the time? It only takes a couple of extra seconds to write your or you're, I promise...


--Commercials that have the mother cleaning up, cooking, or organizing stuff. Why can’t the man be doing that? Hello? It’s 2011.



--Extreme Couponers who clear an entire shelf. It’s rude. Oh, and people who say, “Do Extreme Couponers eat fruit and veggies?” since they mainly get cleaning products and boxed foods. Does it MATTER?



--Smoking in the car. This is so gross! Even with the window rolled down, it makes your vehicle smell like an ashtray. I cannot stand when someone lights up while driving.



--When people write ‘your welcome’ instead of ‘you’re welcome.’ I always want to be snarky and go, “Your welcome what?”


--Texting while driving. If you cannot wait to find out what Kardashian is boinking today, pull over. Don’t risk other people’s lives because you can’t wait to find out the scoop. Thanks.


--Judgmental mothers-look, I’m a proud disposable diaper choosing, epidural getting, breastfeeding, circumcising, Gerber baby food mother…if someone looks down on me for this, they can kiss my pale ass. I love how everyone is different, otherwise the world would be a boring place.


So what bugs you?

The Don'ts On Airplane Travel

I’ve been on airplanes a lot and have experienced all sorts of passengers: the chatty ones, the quiet ones, the ones who get comfortable with you quickly and lean their chair back into your lap.....

So I figured I’d make a list of things NOT to do while on an airplane.




Don’t lean your chair all the way back. It’s rude. I get that you probably paid an obscene amount for your seat so you feel you should be as comfortable as you want. But please remember there is a PERSON behind you who doesn’t appreciate your head in their laps. Should this occur, a drink might “accidentally” splash on you.



Don’t keep talking if the person next to you pulls out a book and starts to read. This signals that they are done conversing. I once had a lady jabber on while I was reading a People magazine. I’ll talk for a few minutes and then I need to read so I’m distracted when we take off. Otherwise in the middle of our conversation I’ll be like, “Holy crap, we’re moving. I hope we don’t die,” and this might scare you.



Don’t automatically hog the armrests. Especially if my arm is already on it. I’m polite and will take my arm off after awhile so the person next to me has a chance to use it. But some people immediately take it for themselves, refusing to share. Or, and this happened once, they’ll put their arm over mine on the armrest. That’s uncomfortable. Especially if you stink.



Don’t plug your earphones into my earphone plug. Look around for yours. This way I don’t have to tap you and say, “Excuse me, you’re using my plug.” Don’t have the nerve to look annoyed with ME for disturbing your precious music. Had you looked around more, I wouldn’t have had to bother you.



Don’t toss me dirty looks if my kids are being loud. This is the year 2011, kids aren’t just made to be seen and not heard. I will tell my kids to settle down if they get too noisy but I’m not going to ask them to hush if they are asking me questions. Trust me, if I don’t answer them right away, they only get louder. I wish there were airplanes for people with children only like you do, because when you toss me a dirty look, I want to toss my peanuts in your face.



Don’t bathe in cologne or perfume. I once had a person sit next to me who smelled as though they had sprayed the entire bottle of Calvin Klein on. I could even taste it in my mouth whenever I’d breathe in. That's disgusting, people.



Don’t constantly get up to use the bathroom if you are in the window seat. It’s annoying to the other two people beside you who have to constantly stand up and scoot into the aisle whenever you have to go. If you have a bladder problem, try to get an aisle seat. You can request these things when you book your ticket.



Don’t watch obscene movies beside me. I don’t want to watch soft porn on an aircraft, thanks. I’d rather not have to explain to my kids why the two adults are wrestling.

---------

Do you have anything I ought to add? I was tempted to put, "don't eat the airplane food" but not a lot of airlines serve it. Unless you want to pay for your limp noodles and mystery meat...

Hey, It's Okay Tuesday!

I got this idea from Glamour magazine. They have a section called Hey, It’s Okay and will list a bunch of things to be okay about. You're welcome to join in and do something like this on your diary. Doesn't have to be on a Tuesday either.

----------------------

To not like it when people have deer heads on their walls. This freaks me out. The glassy eyes seem to follow me everywhere.


To want to see the new Tom Hanks movie. I really like him.


To always make the last bit of my ice cream soup when I have a bowl of it. I always stir the last bit until it's liquid and then I slurp it up. I only do this at home though.


To want to slap Casey Anthony's parents. And Casey Anthony. And her lawyer. Basically everyone who believes she's innocent.


To cringe when people walk into a room and say, "Knock knock." If you need to really knock, actually KNOCK. Don't just walk in and SAY knock knock.


To not care that William and Kate are coming to the US. They seem like nice people but really, I wish we'd focus more on our soldiers. You know, people defending the country.


To think plain oatmeal tastes like paste. I like the strawberries and cream one.


To have not seen fireworks on the fourth of July. There was a ban on them in Texas because of the drought. No biggie though.


To think it's silly that some parents are in a tizzy because they think Cars 2 was too violent. It wasn't. I liked the movie.

A Lovely Reunion

She smelled sweet.

Like bananas.

And little girl.

Her arms circled my neck, her lips left a ball of spit on my cheek from where she kissed me. I didn't care though.

I had been away from my kids for four days. My Mom had taken them back with her to Texas so I could finish unpacking. Even though I missed the kids, I did enjoy my time away from them.

I was able to do the following while they were away:

--Unpack. Naturally. That was the main point of having them go.

--Read. When I was finished unpacking for the day it was wonderful to curl up on the couch and get lost in a book. It has been ages since I have finished one in two days.

--Watch Sex and the City during the day. Or anything else I wanted. I didn't have to worry if it was inappropriate for children or not. I can't even watch The Real Housewives anymore because Natalie has been taking everything in and she's like, "Why do those girls yell at each other all the time?" or, "What's wrong with that girl's face?" (She says this mainly towards the California housewives...you know, the ones who Botox their face up to the point where you can't tell if they are happy or sad..)

--Walk around in my underwear. Well. I didn't really do this. But it felt great to know that I COULD if I wanted.

--Take PIPS. (Poops in peace) I didn't have someone banging on the door or worse, walking in and making a request as if they didn't notice me sitting on the commode.

--Having a snack and not having to share. I don't like to share all the time. Sometimes I want the Klondike bar for myself.

Yes.

I definately was relaxed. I could even relax on the airplane from Oklahoma to Texas. I didn't have to tend to anyone. I could open my book and read, not having to worry that my kids were entertained and not peeking over the seat in front of us. ("I think I see The Office, Mommy," Natalie had once said as she glanced in front of us and my heart had raced for a second. John Krasinski. Flying Southwest! Like the rest of us regular people. I knew there was a reason why I liked him. I knew--oh. The guy Natalie was talking about turned around, scowling at us, and I realized he looked a bit like Micheal Scott. But he wasn't.)

"I missed you," Natalie breathed, refusing to let me go. Her feet were clamped behind me, her arms looped around my neck.

"Hi, Tommy," I said to my son, who stared at me with bright eyes. At the age of nine, he no longer attaches himself to me and likes to act as though he'd be fine on his own.

"Hi," Tommy answered.

Of course I thanked my mother. She had admitted that it was hard work, that it had taken a lot out of her to watch the kids. After all they have tons of energy, the kind that I wish I could bottle up and sell. I'd be a millionare. And then comes the neverending questions. Why is the sun yellow? Why doesn't it rain a lot in Texas? Why did Darth Vadar turn to the Dark Side? What's wrong with Snooki's hair? Can we have chocolate for dinner? Why not? YOU'VE had chocolate for dinner before.

We walked out to Mom's car, Natalie still gripping onto me. My arms were starting to ache. She may be light, but she begins to feel heavy after a few minutes. Maybe it just means I'm weak.

"I've been swimming and I go under water. I'm not scared," Natalie told me solemnly as we walked.

She's much different than I was as a child. I hated going under the water.

"What was the airport like at Oklahoma?" Tommy wanted to know. He's obsessed with the designs of airports. It's one of his Asperger quirks. Another is power lines. He wants to know the design of power lines in each state. If he ever meets you, one of the first things he might ask is, "What do your power lines look like?" He has notebooks filled with drawings of different power lines. I'll watch him draw a row, his tongue poking out the side of his mouth in concentration.

"The airport was much smaller than Denver," I answered, naming the airport we used to fly out of when we lived in Wyoming.

Tommy puffed his lower lip out. "Oh." He liked the design of Denver, loved the trains we had to go on to get to the different concourses. He'd even repeat the voice of the train, the ones that said, "Hold on, please," even the sassy one, the one that said, "Step away from the doors. YOU are the one holding up the train."

"It's still nice though. You'll see it when we fly back," I assured him.

"When we drive home, will we see the power lines?" Tommy asked hopefully.

"I'm sure we will."

Natalie still clung to me as we walked outside the airport. The heat hit me in the face. I was in sweatpants because airplanes make me cold. I could never wear shorts or else I'd freeze.

Natalie eventually let go of me when I buckled her into her carseat. That was another thing I could do when the kids were gone: I could leave a car without having to worry about anyone else. Now I was back in Mommy mode, latching Natalie's buckles, making sure they were tight around her. She's old enough to move into an easier seat, a booster seat, but I want to keep her in a six point harness as long as I can.

We stopped for lunch before we headed to Mom's house and when our food arrived, for a brief second I almost started to eat as I was able to when the kids were away. But then I remembered that it was no longer Just Me. I leaned over and cut Natalie's noodles, placed a puddle of ketchup on each of their plates for the french fries, requested more lemonade for Tommy...

Really, it was nice to have Me Time.

But it feels good to be needed.

It feels good to be loved, to have someone want to attach themselves to you and never let go.