I Resolve To Not...

It’s sort of become a tradition for me to list things that I resolve NOT to do before New Years. It just seems easier seeing as most people break their resolutions after a day. Or two.

So here are some things that I resolve NOT to do…



I resolve to not...stop making fun of Justin Bieber, Twilight, Jersey Shore, etc…it’s just too easy to make a joke about those things.


I resolve to not...let the kids watch Family Guy anymore. It was embarrassing when we went into a store and Natalie was like, “Look! It’s Peter! And Quagmire! Giggity!”


I resolve to not...stop buying Little Debbie snacks. Parenting magazines can keep trying to make me feel guilty about this but it won’t work. Everyone needs an Oatmeal Cream Pie once in awhile. Maybe that’s why some parents are so uptight. They just need some good old fashioned sugar instead of that edamame crap.


I resolve to not...stop cursing on the road. If people would stop driving like idiots, I wouldn’t have to call them foul names.


I resolve to not...stop posting about shows on Facebook. If you don’t want to know the ending of something, STAY OFFLINE until you watch said program. It’s what I do.


I resolve to not...stop going to the gym. I had been going so I could fit into my wedding dress. Now that I no longer need to worry about squeezing into it, I’m not as worried about going. Still. I’ll try and pop in twice per week. Although I might want to avoid doing so the first few weeks of January until the people who resolved to lose weight get bored and stop going and taking over the machines..


I resolve to not...cease calling people who text and drive a danger on the road. They are. They can say, “Oh, I can do both just fine!” until their face turns blue but I know the truth. One day they’ll either kill or injure someone.



See you in 2012!

Plushy Seats

We didn’t know what we were doing.

It was the first time we were going to a movie theater where people served you food.

This was why we stopped downstairs and picked up popcorn and nachos just in case the food that was served was the snooty rich people kind.

This was also why the people upstairs kept giving us odd looks as we settled down at a table and waited for our theater to open.

“Why are people giving us weird looks?” Tom asked as he munched on a chip.

“I don’t know. Do I have anything on my face?” I patted my cheeks with a napkin. I’ve been known to be a messy eater. Perhaps I had a trail of cheese across my nose.

“No. You’re good,” Tom promised. “Are we supposed to be eating already?”

I shrugged.

We were having a date night since Tom’s Mom was visiting. There is a theater by our house called The Warren and we kept hearing how people served you food on the balcony. And booze. Plus, you had to be 21 or older so that meant no annoying family with annoying kids would settle down beside us.

“Can I get you something to eat…er…something else to eat?” a waiter asked, coming over to us. He stared at our nachos and popcorn in confusion.

I flipped through the menu. “Cheese fries, please.”

Mmmm. I love cheese fries.

“I really don’t think we were supposed to bring food up here,” Tom whispered.

The waiter dropped off the cheese fries a few minutes later and they looked amazing.

“Or theater is open,” Tom said, so we gathered up all our food and walked over. We handed the lady our tickets and she stared at our food and went, “Did you bring me a snack? You know we serve you in here, right?”

Oops.

No wonder we were given strange looks.

Oh, well.

We were shown to our seats. Big, plushy seats!

“So if you want anything else, you push this button and someone will take your order,” we were told. “Plus, here’s the button for the seat warmer.”

A seat warmer!

It was perfect for me because I tend to get cold in movie theaters.

We munched on our food and I flipped through the menu. They had an array of delicious desserts. Mmm..

“They do serve popcorn up here,” I said, pointing. I hadn’t been sure.

“Can I take a picture?” I said, digging into my purse and pulling out my phone. No one else around us was taking a picture. And holy crap, some person a few rows down ordered CHAMPAGNE!

I took a quick picture because people kept tossing us baffled looks.

What? Don’t people take photos of their plushy seats?

I mean, we paid $18 EACH to sit in one so dangit, I was going to photograph it.

We ended up ordering dessert. I excitedly pushed the button for a waiter. Man, this must be how rich people feel. Or something.

I ordered a banana split and Tom got a malt. We ate our dessert while the new Sherlock Holmes played.

Would we go back? For sure.

Next time, I’m ordering a burger.

The Obligatory What We Got For Christmas Post

We woke at 5 AM on Christmas Day..

…NOT.

Are you kidding me? I am not a morning person. My kids were probably up at that time. But they know to play in their rooms until I come and get them.

Therefore we were up at a respectable 830 on Christmas.

Seriously, if I were up at 5 I’d be cranky and would probably forget to take pictures because I’d be half asleep.

Anyway.

Santa came and dropped off some stuff:



Max the Cat is checking everything out, including his stocking.

The kids rushed down the stairs and Tommy shouted, “He came! I’m not on the naughty list!” I might have told him throughout the year when he was not very nice that he’d go on the naughty list. Then Tommy became obsessed with wondering if he was on the naughty list or not.

Natalie was happy with her Rapunzel tower. She was like, “I love this so much!”



More gifts were opened:





Tommy saw this one and was like, “This is weird.” He’s very blunt.



I don’t know what it is about KreO sets but Tommy had a hard time putting it together. Tom had to do it and it took TWO HOURS!



Tommy loves DS games. My best friend Jennifer got this for him.



Natalie immediately got into her Princess Charm School dress and used her Princess Charm School phone.

Tom started opening his presents. Let me tell you, shopping for Tom is not easy. He says it is. He’s all, “Just get me some tools.” But here’s the thing: I don’t know what tools he already has. I don’t speak tool. I don’t know what he’d like. Me, I’d go for something shiny and pink. Somehow I don’t think he’d like that sort of tool. So I struggle finding him stuff at times.

This year I think I did well.




Actually, I didn’t get him the gift card. His Mom did. He’s shocked because his Mom HATES Sears. (Something about not helping her out when the fridge she got from them broke down..) Tom, on the other hand, LOVES Sears. Or mainly, their Craftsman tools.



He loves Angry Birds so I got him the game.



And I surprised him with this statue of a K9 Handler and his dog. He kept saying, “Oh wow,” so I knew I did well.

However, he thought the box the statue was in was a Playstation 3, which he’s been yearning for. He opened all his presents (not pictured? Perry the Platypus pants, funny t-shirts, and a cross necklace..) and seemed baffled that he had not gotten his Playstation 3.

“I think Santa forgot something,” I said and rushed upstairs and brought down one more box.

Yup.



The Playstation 3. Tom is a spoiled man.

He was like, “I knew it!”

His Mom opened some presents. Tommy got her a necklace that said Grandma on it from his Santa shop at school:





And she’s as excited over chocolates as I am.

As for me?

I got great stuff, too.

This was in my stocking:



Tom actually filled it for the first time. The entire ten years we have been married he never got what went in a stocking. This year it computed.

Here is some more stuff:



The cake pop maker is from Jennifer. Yum! And that seasoning from Steak N Shake? Awesome.

Tom also got me this:



And even put pictures inside:



And this:



With a card that came with it that said, “You will always hold the key to my heart. Forever and always.”

I’d say it was a fabulous Christmas.

Tom would agree.

He got his Playstation 3.

Plus a flying helicopter that shoots missiles.



(Yes. I’ve been shot with a few.)

I hope you all had a great Christmas, too!

Hey, It's Okay Tuesday!

I got this idea from Glamour magazine. They have a section called Hey, It’s Okay and will list a bunch of things to be okay about. You're welcome to join in and do something like this on your blog. Doesn't have to be on a Tuesday either. Just make sure you link up!

-------------

To have loved the new Muppet movie. I have a crush on Jason Segel. Any man who can sing and dance with muppets gets a thumbs up from me.


To hate plastic twist ties. I’m still finding them around the house from opening all the gifts.


To have gone out the day after Christmas for half off deals.


To think that I probably gained like 10 pounds during the holidays. There’s just so much good stuff to eat!


To love the presents Tom got me. I’ll post more about that tomorrow.


To have had Christmas cookies for lunch the other day.


To think the before and after photos they show on those Proactive commercials are usually two different people.


To hate when people don’t bother to Yield when there is a sign in front of them.


To not be doing anything for New Years. Tom has to work so I might just curl up with a good book.

Singing Rapunzel

If you asked Natalie what she wanted for Christmas, she’d always say the same thing: “Singing Rapunzel.”

We took her to see Santa and she walked boldly over to his lap, took a seat, and when he asked what she wanted him to bring her, she said without hesitation, “Singing Rapunzel.”

When Tom’s Mom came and inquired on what she hoped to receive from Santa, she replied, “Princess dresses! And Singing Rapunzel.”

On Christmas Eve Natalie told us all that she’d be getting a Singing Rapunzel because Santa wouldn’t want to make her cry.

As I tucked her into bed, Natalie rubbed her palms together and said, “I can’t wait to see my Singing Rapunzel!”

Christmas morning arrived and Natalie opened her presents from Santa. She loved all her gifts but she seemed confused. Her eyes darted around the room, looking for her special gift.

“Natalie. Here’s one more present from Santa,” Tom said, handing it over.

Natalie stared at it for a few seconds, pondering. Then she ripped the paper.

Did she get Singing Rapunzel?

Yup.

“Singing Rapunzel!” she shounted, her voice full of glee. “I told you! I told you! I told you Santa would get me Singing Rapunzel!”

She immediately put her Rapunzel dress on.

“Now,” she said, “we’re twins.”



(I sort of want to hide Singing Rapunzel. One can only hear “And at last I see the lights!” a certain amount of times before one wants to chuck said doll outside.)


What was the hit gift in your home?

Chick-Fil-A Prize Pack Winner

I did a giveaway for a Chick-fil-a prize pack here.

I used random.org to pick a number and it chose..

...number 21, which was Sarah Beth! Congrats!


If you didn't win, try again. I'll have more giveaways in the future!

All I Want For Christmas

Christmas is Sunday! I can hardly believe that it’s here.

So I decided to make a list of what I’d like for Christmas.


All I want for Christmas is....


--For no one to ever say 'amazeballs' again.


--For people to take word verification off their blogs. It slows up my commenting process.


--For people to use their turn signals. It seems so rude when I see vehicles weaving in and out of traffic without explaining to others WHAT THE HELL THEY ARE DOING.


--For calories not to count during the holidays. Or, you know, ever.


--For the cast of Jersey Shore to be blasted off into space, never to return again.


--For parents to stop saying that their infant is advanced. Your kid doesn’t even know where its face is.


--For sites to stop saying Free Shipping..and then in tiny letters write “on orders of 50 or more.”


--For Zak Bagans to stop showing us how dark it is on Ghost Adventures. We get it. It’s pitch black.



So.

What do you want for Christmas?

Reindeer Ears!

I don’t think Max the Cat likes me anymore.

Here’s why:

Well.

It was a good idea at the time.

No Coupons

“What Nicholas Sparks book did you want?” Tom asked as we walked into Barnes and Noble last week.

“It’s called The Best of Me,” I replied. “If you’re planning on getting it for me as a Christmas gift, Amazon has it cheaper.”

It was like Tom didn’t hear me. He headed for the new release section, found the book and picked it up.

“It’s a sweet gesture,” I tried again. “But it’s like 13.99 on Amazon.”

Tom pointed to the book. “It shows here it’s 30% off.”

“Yes, from the cover price so the total will probably be 18. On Amazon it’s—”

“Great. Sounds like a deal,” Tom cut me off. He doesn’t comprehend saving money. I once handed him a coupon and he was like, “What’s this for?” He figures if he can find something he might as well pick it up then.

This pains me. While it’s sweet that he wants to buy me stuff I so wish he’d bargain shop and compare prices like I do. If he sees something he thinks I’ll like, he buys it and doesn’t bother checking to see if he can find it cheaper elsewhere.

At the grocery store he tosses whatever he wants in the cart to the point where my brow starts to sweat. This is why he rarely goes grocery shopping with me. He tends to get irritated when I’m flipping through my coupons to see what product I can save on.

“Does it matter? Let’s just get this brand of ketchup.”

“But I have a coupon for Heinz for 50 cents off,” I’ll explain.

So Tom will dig around in his pocket, produce 50 cents, hand it to me and toss the other ketchup in the cart. “There. That’s settled. We can go now.”

*Sighs*

I told him I wanted the entire season of Friends for Christmas but explained that he should check Amazon daily as the prices like to drop. The other day they had the entire set for 89 and I hinted it to Tom.

“Okay,” he said but I don’t think he got it because I made the mistake of checking the Amazon credit card and saw a charge for 199. It might be for the DVD set which means he bought it another day WHEN IT WASN’T ON SALE! How does that not bother him? He could have saved ONE HUNDRED dollars!

Still.

I try not to think about it. At least he gets me stuff.

And I’ll enjoy my overpriced Nicholas Sparks book.

Hey, It's Okay Tuesday!

I got this idea from Glamour magazine. They have a section called Hey, It’s Okay and will list a bunch of things to be okay about. You're welcome to join in and do something like this on your blog. Doesn't have to be on a Tuesday either. Just make sure you link up!

-------------

To think it’s silly that the Bumbo is under fire for not being safe. It’s fine. Just don’t set your kids in it on a high area. That’s common sense.


To be excited over making Christmas cookies this week. I love them.


To be glad when Christmas over. The stores are always crazy busy.


To wish people would stop taking a dump in the toilets right after I clean them. Wait an hour or something.


To love the biscuits from Popeyes. I ate like 3 of them the other day.


To hate when the kid’s toys go off on their own. I immediately think they’ve been possessed.


To be hosting a giveaway for a Chick-fil-a prize pack here. You can win a watch, a stuffed cow, AND a free coupon for a peppermint chocolate chip shake. Mmm, now I want one of those.


To have enjoyed the movie The Help. I had it on my Netflix list and it had a long wait, Tom’s Mom is here and wanted to watch it, got tired of waiting so she just bought it.


To be glad that Jon Bon Jovi isn’t dead. There was a hoax yesterday that said he was.

It's The Vow Renewal! Part Two!

Part One here.



So where was I?

Oh, right.

I was about to see my husband for the first time in my wedding dress. He had never seen me in one before. When we got married ten years ago I had on a black maternity dress.

Tom was waiting for me right inside the Titanic museum and I stepped out of the vehicle gracefully—or I tried to. Sitting down with a bunch of dress around you is not easy. Getting out? NOT EASY. There’s so much material to worry about. I don’t know how Princess Diana did it.

I managed to get out and make sure I wasn’t flashing anyone. By the way, I didn’t even have cute underwear on. I didn’t even THINK about what underwear I should wear with my wedding dress. I imagine some women have every detail planned to the last flower. Me? Yeah, I basically winged a lot of it. I was sporting my typical cotton briefs. Perhaps I should have worn a lacy number? Oh well, it was too late to worry about it.

I took a deep breath and headed inside. My feet were already killing me since I was in heels. I don’t do well in heels. I was concentrating on not falling over when I saw him. Tom. My Tom. He stood there in the uniform he had worn ten years ago for our wedding. I gave him a shy smile and a wide grin formed on his face.

A grin!

You have to understand, my husband doesn’t always smile. He’s one of those people who will say, “That’s hilarious,” in a deadpan voice to the point where you’re like, “Uh, did you really find it hilarious or are you being sarcastic?”

“You look beautiful,” Tom whispered to me. “Really beautiful.”

“Wow, Mommy, you look different with all that makeup. Like a Barbie. I mean, you look fine, but really different,” Tommy spoke up. He has Aspergers so he can be incredibly blunt.

The guy from the Titanic museum stood there and reminded us that we could not take pictures inside, which was a little bit of a bummer. We got one outside:

…and then we followed the man inside to where we would be having our vow renewal. We went from room to room and the other people who were inside looking at the Titanic artifacts looked up at us with confusion. They noticed my wedding dress and were probably like, “Um?”

We made it to the Grand Staircase and took our place at the top of the stairs with the kids positioned beside us.

(These are pictures of pictures..)

I wish I could have taken my own photos. Or video taped everything. This was the only thing I yearned to be different. Other than that, everything was beautiful. The room was decorated for Christmas and a Captain was marrying us. Or vow renewing us.

I hate being the center of attention but I certainly was then. They don’t close off the Grand Staircase to the public when you have a vow renewal so strangers were able to look at me and this was slightly awkward. Still, I didn’t really focus on that. I watched my husband and said, “I do.” Again. I remember the look in his eyes. He had a look that told me I was important, that he’d do anything for me. I hope I conveyed the same look to him.

Anyway, I kissed my husband when the Captain pronounced us man and wife. Again.

And then it was over.

We did the Titanic tour after that and let me tell you, it was amazing. If you like the Titanic, go to Branson.

(You can check out more about Titanic Branson if you click on the link!)

(Or, if you are closer to Tennessee, there is one in Pigeon Forge.)

Yes, I did go through the museum in my wedding dress. I figured this would be the only time I’d wear it and dangit, I was going to do it.

However, wearing my wedding dress meant I had on my heels. And my feet felt like they wanted to break off.

The cool thing about the museum though is that they give you a card with a passenger name on it. At the end, you get to see if you survived.

I did. (Word!)

I was Madeline Astor, married to John Jacob Astor, one of the richest men in the world.

Tommy and Natalie survived.

Tom did not.

Poor Tom.

They had a thing of freezing cold water set up so you could feel how cold it was for the passengers who were in the water when the ship went down. I stuck a finger in and was like, “Oh, I’d have totally died. I don’t handle cold well.”

Jennifer kept her hand in for SEVEN MINUTES before finally pulling it out. “It started to feel warm after awhile,” she said.

She’d have survived.

At the end of the tour, I was beginning to sink like the ship. Literally. My feet hurt so I was hunched over to try and take some of the weight off of them. I was being semi-dramatic.

No, but seriously, how do people walk in heels all day?

I bought a couple of things at the gift shop and then it was time to take pictures outside.

Where it was a balmy 30 degrees.

Yeah.

Cold.

But the lighting was better outside so we had to do it.

My Dad had already changed. He wore a suit to the renewal but he thought we were done, ha. He didn’t realize there would be pictures. And yes, my Mom’s eyes are closed. You get to check out her awesome eye shadow.

This is me with my Mom, Natalie, and Tom’s Mom. And yes, that IS a Heart of the Ocean necklace. I got it after the renewal. I didn’t wear it for the ceremony.

That IS a smile from Tom! And yes, I DO look like I’m freezing BECAUSE I WAS!

Tom and I got some shots together:

In this one I was like, “Let’s gaze lovingly into each other’s eyes like popular wedding pictures I’ve seen.” It did not go well. I kept getting the giggles. We are not serious people.


This is my all time favorite picture:

And then I got some with just me:

Later we went to the Keeter Center for dinner. It’s a college place where college kids prepare the meal. It was really pretty inside.

No, I was not in my dress. I had it with my heels. Plus, after dinner we were going to Silver Dollar City, an amusement park, and I was NOT going in my dress.

We got a small cake from the Titanic Vow Renewal package:

Then it was off to Silver Dollar City…where NONE of the rides were on! Apparently if it’s less than 40 degrees they are shut off. We did not know this. There were pretty lights, which were nice, but still. We wanted some RIDES!

We still got some pictures:

So yes.

My vow renewal day was fabulous.

I absolutely love Branson, Missouri and the Titanic museum was amazing.

Who knows?

Maybe we’ll be back for our 20 year anniversary.

Chick-Fil-A Prize Pack Giveaway! **CLOSED

**CLOSED! Winner posted here!!

Waffle fries.

Chicken sandwiches.

PEPPERMINT CHOCOLATE CHIP MILKSHAKES!

These are just some of the delicious items that Chick-fil-a sells.

I’ve written about Chick-fil-a before and how much I love the food. (Mmmm, love their spicy chicken sandwich…)

I did a giveaway for a Chick-fil-a calendar not too long ago, too.

Well, guess what?

I have another giveaway to offer, thanks to PartnersHub!


I have a fabulous prize pack that consists of:

--5 Cow Watches

--Two Chick-fil-a plus cows

--A Free Peppermint Chocolate Chip Milkshake coupon with a specialty Christmas ornament!


I am incredibly jealous of the milkshake. Seriously. I LOVE it.


With Christmas almost upon us, it can get incredibly stressful. So check out this widget from Chick-fil-a that has great tips for a fun holiday as well as a holiday quiz.




Good luck!

I will pick a winner on December 26th!


Giveaway Rules

--Must be 18 or older

--Must live in the US


Mandatory Entry: What is your favorite food to order at Chick-fil-a?


Bonus Entries:


--Take the Holiday Quiz in the widget and tell me your results!

--Follow PartnersHub on Twitter

Thank You, Casinotop10!

I’ve always wanted to go to a casino.

Just to see if I’d win, you know? I hear stories of people walking away with the jackpot and just the other day someone was telling me that they won $500.

Granted, I also hear stories on how people walked away with nothing. Or become addicted to gambling.

But I choose to focus on the happy tales.

This is why I was glad to hear about Casinotop10, a site that reviews all the games that are online so you know if the game you picked is a good one.

So, thanks to this site, I could play a well reviewed game from the comfort of my home and not have to worry about cranky ladies who were waiting impatiently for me to vacate my seat.

Wait. That was an episode of Friends, wasn’t it?

Anyway.

I also liked how there are no deposit casinos, which means you don’t have to make a deposit to receive an online casino bonus.

If you don’t feel comfortable betting money, Casinotop10 also has free flash games to play.

So have you ever played a casino game online before? Ever won?

It's The Vow Renewal! Part One!

It all started with an idea from Tom.

I had no idea he had been contacting friends and family about renewing our vows even before he left for Korea.

I only happened to find out when I was in New York with Jennifer and saw an e-mail he had written saying that he hoped she would be able to attend our vow renewal.

Oops.

Still, it was okay. In fact, it worked out that I discovered his secret. It meant I could shop for a wedding dress. I had never shopped for a wedding dress before. When we were married ten years ago I wore black because it was the only dress that would fit over my seven months pregnant belly.

Purchasing a wedding dress was a new experience for me. I did it with my mother, who was thrilled that she’d finally be a mother of the bride. She wasn’t at my first wedding. We went to a wedding dress boutique that ended up having dresses that started at $5000. Since neither of us poop money, we almost left.

Until the saleslady said the magic words…

…clearance rack…

I had no qualms with the clearance rack. Especially when the dresses were just like the $5000 ones—only marked way down.

The saleslady asked what style I wanted and I thought back to the show Say Yes To The Dress. What was that style called? The one where the dress hugged your figure? I chewed my lower lip. I should be more prepared! I was positive most brides marched into the store armed with a huge folder about the wedding she envisioned—something she had started working on since she was 5.

I was never like this.

I never pictured my wedding.

“Mermaid!” I shouted and I instantly pictured Ariel. “I like the mermaid style. And the ball gown style. The only thing is, I don’t think I could do strapless. Because I have no boobs.” I even gestured to my chest area in case the woman forgot where boobs sit.

The saleslady flinched a little. I don’t think many brides use the word “boobs” in the store.

“If you get the dress tailored to you, the dress will be fine,” the saleslady assured me. She was a perky young thing. She probably had a wedding folder.

I tried on about five dresses. It was awkward coming out and having a stranger clip the back of your gown. I kept thinking, “I should have worn prettier panties.” Then I had to step on a podium in front of a mirror.

Two dresses stood out to me. The one that I ended up with and another one with lots of sparkles. Ball gown style. I wish I had a picture but unfortunately cameras were not allowed in the store. The ball gown style dress was also heavy, thanks to the sparkles. I feel for the women who play Disney Princesses at Disney.

“What should I get?” I asked my mom.

“What do you like?” she replied.

I liked both dresses! If only I were a Kardashian—then I could wear them both.

“I don’t know,” I wailed. “Help me, saleslady!”

I didn’t say that last part. It would have frightened her. She stood off to the side, waiting patiently to unclip me.

I went with the lighter dress. Not as many sparkles but still pretty. Plus, it made me look thinner than I actually was without the power of Spanx.

I had the dress alternated so the top wouldn’t come down and expose my small boobs by a tiny Chinese woman who kept saying, “Oooo. You getting married?” to the point where I was thinking, “Is she taking one look at me and wondering how someone like me could land a man?” Also, I wanted to be sarcastic and go, “No, I’m not getting married. I just bought the dress for fun for a night out in the town.”

Here’s the issue with having the dress alternated 3 months before the wedding though: it meant I couldn’t gain weight or else it wouldn’t zip OR button up. This is why I made sure to work out at the gym. And, you know, watch what I ate. Sort of.

Before I knew it, December rolled around and it was time to go to Branson, Missouri. I’m going to point out now that Tom arranged everything for the vow renewal. He had it planned for the Titanic museum all along because he remembered how much I wanted to go there.

On the day of December 10th, I went to have my hair and makeup done because I’m clueless on how to do either. Thank goodness Jennifer was there. She speaks hair because she went to hair school so she was able to tell the stylist what I wanted. If she wasn’t there I’d have gestured to the top of my head and would have said, “I’d just like my hair…um…up there...on my head…um…area..”

Naturally, getting my hair up took awhile because my hair is so thick. And naturally, the stylist said, “You have a lot of hair!” I don’t think I’ve ever had my hair done and had the stylist NOT say that. I almost want to say as I’m sitting down, “I know I have a lot of hair.” But then I worry the stylist won’t speak sarcasm and might “accidentally” cut a chunk of hair off the back of my head, post a picture on Facebook with the words, “This is what happens when you mess with a beautician,” and she’ll get like a thousand likes with people commenting, “Man, customers have gotten so RUDE these days!”

This is me getting my hair done:

At 130 Jennifer came over and was like, “Are you almost done? We have to be at the renewal at 3.”

Cue panic.

I mean, we all had to get ready!

I didn’t have my dress on!

My hair wasn’t even UP yet!

I think we ended up leaving at 2 and by then Tom texted me and was like, “Where are you?” I said we were on our way back and he was like, “You might want to hurry. It starts at 3.”

My palms went sweaty. What if I was late to my own vow renewal? I hate being late! I can’t believe it when brides are late on Four Weddings. It seems rude to keep people waiting.

What if I couldn’t get my dress zipped up?

WHAT IF I COULDN’T GET MY DRESS ZIPPED UP?

By the time we made it to the hotel, it was close to 230. Mom helped me into my dress and it was the moment of truth. Would it zip?

It didn’t, near the top.

I’m not kidding.

“We’re having issues,” Mom mumbled.

ISSUES? That’s a polite way of saying, “YOU SHOULD HAVE LAID OFF THE LITTLE DEBBIES!”

I sucked in my gut.

Nothing.

Would I have to renew my vows with a pin keeping my dress closed?

How unattractive would that be? And my hair was UP so it couldn’t even cover the pin with it. Maybe I could stick a flower back there and be like, “Oh this? It’s ALL the rage in France..”

Mindy helped Mom figure out. It turns out I wasn’t fat; it was some clasp thingy back there. Phew. (Or maybe they just told me that to be polite..)

Before I knew it, I was ready to go. I had the flowers Tom’s Mom made for me. She’s incredibly crafty. I don’t have a crafty bone in my body. I try, bless my heart, but I usually make disasters.

Tom’s Mom brought Natalie in and she took one look at me and said I looked like a princess and that she wanted my dress. (Natalie, not Tom’s Mom.) Seriously. She WANTED my dress.

Doesn’t she look like she’s thinking, “I’m totally taking this dress?”

We were able to take some quick pictures before we left:

(Oh, this was my Mom putting on earrings borrowed from my Nana Jo. My ears aren’t pierced. She sort of jammed them in and—I’m kidding—clip ons.)

Then it was time to meet my husband, who was no doubt panicking because it was 251. He’s big on getting places fifteen minutes early (it’s the military drilled into him) so I can picture him pacing the Titanic museum going, “Confoundit, where IS she?” (Maybe minus the confoundit part. This isn’t the 1800s.)

This is me walking towards the van that would take me to the museum..

And this is me, seconds before I saw Tom…and before he saw me in the wedding dress for the first time…

Part 2 to come Monday.

(Please don’t hate me)

(Fine. Hate me. But here, have a cookie.)

(It’s CHOCOLATE CHIP!)