Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Is Someone Missing?

“What I want for my birthday is to be a big sister,” Natalie told me seriously the other day. “Mommy. When will your baby come back?”

My breath caught in my throat.

“Mommy,” Natalie prattled on, oblivious to the fact that I stood frozen beside her. “Will it be a boy baby or a girl baby?”

I couldn't speak. My mouth opened and closed like a goldfish but no words came out.

“Being a big sister would be fun. My friends Emma and Brianna are big sisters,” Natalie said, picking up one of her baby dolls and cradling it close.

“The baby isn’t coming back,” I managed to get out.

I had a miscarriage last summer. The pregnancy had been a total surprise. And then, just as I got used to the idea of having another one, I lost it.

Well. I’m told I had a blighted ovum, so it really wasn’t even an actual baby, but a bundle of cells. It never had a heartbeat. My son wasn’t upset that I lost the baby; on the contrary, he was happy. He has Autism and was not looking forward to a screaming infant.

My daughter was the one that was upset. She seemed to accept that there wouldn’t be a baby, but now and again she asks if I’m going to go back to the hospital to pick it up.

“It wasn’t right of them to take our baby,” Natalie once said. She didn’t seem to fully grasp everything.

And now she wants to be a big sister for her birthday.

Honestly, ever since I had the miscarriage, I can’t seem to get rid of the feeling that someone is missing. I had been stunned when I found out I was pregnant and was in a panicked state.

“I can’t do it all over again!” I had wailed to my husband Tom.

But.

Sometimes when we’re sitting around the table I think, “Someone is missing…”

The baby would have been due in December. As the kids opened their presents I couldn’t help but think, “If I hadn’t had a miscarriage, there would be an infant here with us..”

I go back and forth with the thought of another baby. I do worry that I would be overwhelmed with a newborn. Could I do diapers again? Losing sleep? I love my sleep. Would everyone fit in my hybrid? I don’t want a van. Would 3 kids be trouble? That’s an uneven number. How would we all go on rides?

On the other hand, what if I regret not having another one? Suppose I constantly feel like someone is missing. Will that feeling eventually go away?

I’m still not sure what will happen and if Natalie will ever get her wish of being a big sister.

Time will tell, I suppose.


I'm linking up with Shell over at Things I Can't Say with Pour Your Heart Out.



32 comments:

*Jess* said...

It took me five years after Jayce (who has autism, too) was born to be able to want another baby. And then nature played a trick on me and I had infertility for a year before finally getting pregnant with Jocelyn. I am so sorry about your miscarriage.

elzimmy said...

I went back and forth on this too. Our stories are SO similar, it's kind of weird. I'm married to my high school sweetheart, had my oldest at 19, second daughter at 22. I was pregnant for a third time and lost it (ectopic). Now my kids are 14 and 11, so I think it's too late. I think I've finally settled on the fact that we always used to say that one of the good things about having kids so early was that we would be done early. Now though, I'm struggling with how old my kids are because I feel like I'm too young to be 'done' but would I really want to start all over? I don't think so (I think). Ugh, it's tough.

The Liebers said...

I'm so sorry that is hard on you. My daughter still thinks she's going to get a sister someday (apparently two brothers is not enough!) I really don't want another one, but I can't seem to make that feeling go away. I hope you are able to feel some peace about it soon.

AmyLK said...

I know several people who feel as you do after their miscarriages. You've suffered the loss of a child. It takes time to for "normal" to come back. Take your time to work through it.

Hi, Im Kelly! said...

Im right there......My 6 year old son is 6 and always askign for a younger sibling..hes tells me hes lonely. I feel just horrible and want another, just dont thin kit would be "wise" to do so. I yearn for another one..

happy_wife said...

I felt the first year after our miscarriage was the toughest simply because you DID get used to the idea, and then *poof* it was gone. It was hard to not think of what our life would look like if we had had the baby. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Shell said...

What a hard thing to have to deal with. I can only imagine the back and forth you feel about it. *hugs*

Furry Bottoms said...

Oooh Amber. That is tough. I don't think you will ever forget about the possibility that wasn't... I think maybe the trick is tucking the missing someone into your heart and be happy with what God has decided for you and your life. You will always feel some sadness, some melancholy and wonder what it would be like. That is OK. But don't let it keep you from living the life you have now. I had two miscarriages. That will be a story for my blog some time in the future. I reacted VERY differently to both. But still wonder about what if...

Nessa said...

I can't imagine what you're going through. I think I would feel the exact same way in your shoes. It must be so tough.

ch3ryl said...

***hugs***

Juli said...

I have no answers here.

I "closed up shop" when I was 29. I was newly divorced, with two kids in the spectrum 16 months apart, and at that point really didn't want anymore. Now some days I look at my new husband (who came with a son, that's Bonus Brother) and think, "maybe it would have been nice to have one together". And then I realize all the freedom we have now at almost 11, 12 and 18 and think... "Yeah... it was the right choice for me."

Give it time. At some point you will know your answer.

Nicole said...

That's a tough one. You'll know in time, maybe two is enough, maybe not, but you'll know when it's right. xo

Chantal said...

I'm sure it's tough and that you'll never stop thinking about what could have been.

Jenny said...

t is a great loss. Being a mother of five I know you can manage another one, if you want him or her. My third was a great joy to me and still is at 40. More hugs for you. xo Jenny

Heidi said...

(((HUG)))

Amy said...

Oh my, hugs to you. xoxo

The Dose of Reality said...

What an amazing entry. I think if you genuinely feel that someone is missing, then someone is missing.

2busy said...

Miscarriages are so hard, and they affect everyone differently. If someone is missing, you'll know it. Sounds like you do...

Lisa @ Two Bears Farm said...

This sounds so hard to go through. I'm sorry about your miscarriage.

supposedtobemysymphony said...

Thinking of you. You may always feel as though someone is missing, even if you do go on to have a third child. I feel like I have a ghost baby that follows me around.

Shawna Kryshel said...

I'm so sorry Amber. I had a miscarriage last January so I felt so badly for you when I saw you lost yours. :( I also had a stillbirth 5 years ago so I totally understand the someone is missing feeling. :(

I hope everything gets better for you.

Shawna Kryshel said...

I'm so sorry Amber. I had a miscarriage last January so I felt so badly for you when I saw you lost yours. :( I also had a stillbirth 5 years ago so I totally understand the someone is missing feeling. :(

I hope everything gets better for you.

stephanie said...

my heart hurts for y'all, hoping you (and Natalie!) find peace.

Sarahf said...

What a sad story. I suppose the baby will always be on your mind, that kind of pain never really goes away completely, we just find more peace with it. I hope that peace comes soon.

Susan Cook said...

I had 2 miscarriages, in between my two kids. Hubby got "fixed" so another baby isn't gonna happen for me, even though I still sometimes think it would be cool to have another one.

wishing you well in your choices.

Vodka Logic said...

So sorry about your miscarriage they are devastating.

And out of the mouths of babes to say something to bring it all back. It seems sweet too that Natalie is still thinking about it.

good luck with whatever you choose

Sam M said...

Oh my goodness, I just read your story about your misscarriage. I am so sorry that you had to endure that. I've heard this feeling of someone missing before. My mother always seemed to know when it was time for the next member of our family was to come. She had multiple miscarraiges between my little brother and I, and just kept trying because she knew someone was missing from our family. I hope that you're able to figure out what is right for you, and for your family.

Emmy said...

Oh that would be so hard- so hard to know and to wonder. And yes time will tell.

Myya said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can;t imagine how hard that would be.

Almost every women I know says "you just know" when you are done. I don't know that I agree... or at leat I don't "know". I think I'd love another one, I actually would love another couple but then my husband says NO WAY. I dreamt I was pregnant & I freaked out when I woke up... does this mean I really am done I just won't admit it to myself. Such a fine line. You will find your answer as time passes. maybe if it is meant to be you'll get another "surprise" :)

Tish said...

oh my goodness, I'm so sorry. How hard to go through all this. I can imagine your feeling of being pregnant again, I took have two kids and love my sleep. We've pondered these exact things when thinking if we should try for another. And then to come to terms and have it taken away...
Prayers and hugs for your. Also praying God gives you the right words for your daughter.

Steph said...

I have not forgotten about my angel either. It's rough some days.

BettyCupcakes said...

I can't imagine how all of this must feel- good thoughts to you while you sort it out.

 
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